11: Neve

mum has left me in charge of making the apple crumble. it’s one of my favorites things to make and I make it with love. dad eats as many as three helpings.

“So, what’s he like. your dad said he works hard at the garage.” mum is talking to Henly and she gushes when the conversation turns to Tane.

“he’s so big, he’s rugged, and handsome.” Henly gets a faraway look in her eyes and I almost gag. Tane is so much more than those things. Tane is intense. he listens. he watches and he cares.

“Well, I’m excited to meet him.” Mum replies as she finishes pulling the chicken from the oven. the room smells amazing with all the trimmings of a roast dinner.

The doorbell rings and I skip off to answer it. after all. he’s my friend too. I open the door and there he is. he looks so good standing there in dark jeans with a black shirt, the sleeves pulled up to his elbow. no leather jacket.

“Hey.” I can’t help the smile that takes over my face. his eyes work their way up and down my body.

“You look nice.” he smiles back, and I step aside for him to enter.

“Thanks. I like your shirt.” I grin and he runs his hand down the front. he opens his mouth to say something else, but Henly appears, and it all gets lost in her shrill tone.

“Tane… come in. come meet my mum.” its then that I realize he is holding some flowers in his hand.

“These are for your mum.” he shows her the flowers and she ahhh’s at him and I want to gag. but he doesn’t tell her how nice she looks, and I preen at that.

I shut the door, and I follow behind them as we enter the kitchen. our house isn’t big but its modest and clean. mum keeps a tidy house. dad pays the bills.

“Mum, this is Tane. Tane this is my mum, Stella.” mum wipes her hands and smiles at Tane. he hands her the flowers, and she blushes.

“Thank you for inviting me to dinner mam. it’s been a long time since I had a home cooked meal.” I don’t like the thought of him not eating properly.

“These are beautiful. thank you Tane. and your most welcome. would you like a drink.” she offers, and he nods, Henly still holding onto his arm.

“We have beer. coke. juice of coffee.” mum offers as I skirt round them to finish making my crumble.”

“Coke is fine thank you. I’m driving.” he replies and that’s the first of many, brownie point he earns.

“So responsible. take a seat. dinner won’t be long.” he nods again and Henly leads him to the table.

“What a lovely young man. impeccable manners.” she hands me a coke to give to him, then fusses with the potatoes and stirs the gravy. I pop the crumble in the oven and set a timer for 20 minutes.

dad choses that moment to come into the room. he never misses a Sunday roast, even if he is working when he should be resting.

“Smells good love.” he kisses mum on the head, and she smiles up at him.

“Hey munchkin.” he says to me and bops me on the nose. I swat his hand away with a giggle.

we all take a seat, and I end up facing Tane. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad one. his green eyes flit to me and down to the table.

“Tane. good of you to make it.” dad yells sitting down in his original seat. when I say yell, I mean he speaks loudly. he’s a big man with a big voice.

“Thanks for inviting me.” he nods back politely as we pass food around the table.

“So Henly tells me you two are dating, is that right.” mum speaks and I almost choke on my peas. that’s utter bullshit.

“Well, um. I guess you could say we are friends. I don’t really have time to date.” he replies back as Henly looks at me. why she looks at me, I don’t know.

“Well, you’re young. no need to settle down at your age. do you have family in the area.” I wait to hear what he has to say.

“No mam. my mother and father live in Cornwall. but my brother recently moved here and is staying with me.” I didn’t know he had a brother.

“And what does your brother do.” she asks, and he bristles on the spot clearing his throat.

“He um… he just got out of prison. he was serving Two years for aggravated assault under the influence.” dad stops eating and mum looks horrified. Henly looks around the room and I look at Tane.

“He got clean. changed his life and got out early. now he works at the Rye.” he adds taking a bite out of a potato.

“He works for Dax.” dad finally speaks and Tane nods.

“Dax is a good guy. he’ll sort him out, keep him on the straight and narrow.” Tane visibly relaxes and I eat some more peas.

I stand up and leave the room. I need to get the crumble from the oven before it burns. I hear Henly talking about her job interview and dad humming along.

“Did you know Neve is going to Cambridge.” dad says with a proud smile. Tane looks from me to Henly and back again when I retake my seat.

“it’s not a big thing dad.” I try to hide my embarrassment, but Tane is watching me closely.

“It is a big thing. you’ll be the first Castle to go to uni.” he states proudly as Henly sips her water like it’s got acid in it.

“I predict big things for you, love.” mum smiles when he says that. my whole future planned out for me. and I’m grateful, truly.

“Just think of all those clothes we will get to wear. all those fancy parties we can attend, while wearing my sisters’ designs.” Henly giggles and I cringe.

“I might change my degree and go into hospitality. I want to open my open my own bar and restaurant. maybe a small bakery.” I announce and dad stops eating.

“You had your heart set on Fashion. what changed.” he asks, and I shrug.

“I just want to keep my options open, that’s all.” I lay my knife and fork down, I’m finished anyway. mum just smiles at me then pats my hand.

“I think whatever it is you do; it will be great.” I look to Tane who smiles.

“Yeah. Neve is just wonderful at everything she’s does.” Henly sneers and gets up from the table.

both mum and dad ignore her, and dad turns his conversation to Tane. they talk about cars and engines. they talk about new tools and how Nigal plans to expand the garage.

just watching him talk about this stuff makes me feel giddy inside. Henly joined us after I offered everyone some crumble. both dad and Tane eating a second helping.

12: Neve

Tane helped me and mum clean up the table. mum tried to get him to go and relax in the den with Henly, but he refused saying he needed to do his bit as we had cooked.

“You still want to watch Alien Three with me.” I ask Tane as he puts the last plate away. he drops the dishcloth and leans on the counter.

“If that’s alright with your parents and Henly. I assume she will be joining us.” I hate that she will. but what can I do.

“That sounds like a great idea. Henly is already in the den, go and join her Tane. Neve and I will get you some snacks for the movie.” Mum ushers him away and he leaves reluctantly.

“he’s such a good man. so thoughtful. your sister could do a lot worse.” she sighs and takes off her rubber gloves. yeah she could fine her own man and leave mine alone.

we gather some coke and a bowl of popcorn. we load a tray with glasses and crisps, then head for the den. which is basically a conservatory dad built last year, and we turned it into a second living room.

“I’ll leave you lot to it. don’t stay up too late Neve because you have school tomorrow. Tane, it was lovely to meet you.” mum closes the door and leaves us alone.

dad already said bye after they ate pudding. now Henly is sitting right in the center of the couch, meaning I will have to sit in the small love seat on my own.

Tane sits down beside Henly but tries to keep a distance between them. she grabs a blanket and throws it over both of their legs.

“I already set it up. Neve press play will you.” I roll my eyes and do as I’m told. the opening credits start to roll, and I land back on the love seat with a thump.

we watch in silence until the Aliens start to hatch on the screen. Tane looks at me and smiles. I blush and cover my smile with my hand. I never really got any further than this part because it was boring.

“Oh god. that’s gross.” Henly buries her head in Tanes chest and my heart spikes with jealousy. why does she get to touch him so freely and I can’t. life is not fair.

Tane looks at me, his green eyes blaze under the glow of the TV. he looks uncomfortable when Henly refuses to move away again. he must see it in my eyes because he shifts and shuffles to make room between them.

Henly gets up and goes to the bathroom. Tane and I stare at the screen like it holds all the answers. his gaze locks on mine and I look away. I look back at him and he looks away. I want to snuggle up to him, bury my face in his solid chest, breath him in.

when the movies end. Tane looks to me as Henly stretches, her arms reach for the ceiling, and she groans.

“What did you think.” I chew my lip because being in the room with him was one of the best moments of my life. being anywhere near I’m makes me feel sated and calm.

“All that’s slime. all that blood and guts. it’s not for me.” Henly speaks before I get the chance.

“that’s why I was asking Newt.” he winks at me, and I hide my giggle.

“of course you were. everyone wants to talk to Neve. she’s so wonderful after all.” Henly sounds like a spoilt child. Tane crosses his arms over his chest.

“You can go now. Tane and I want some alone time.” Henly glares at me and I flinch. why do they need alone time. why does that sentence make me want to commit a felony.

“Actually. I need to go and don’t order your sister round like that. it’s her home too.” Tane scolds her and she blushes.

“Sorry Neve. I didn’t mean it like that. but you have school tomorrow.” now I feel like a child. I fold the blanket and put it back on the small chair.

“it’s fine. thanks for staying and watching the movie. you were right. it was good.” I smile and leave the room.

“Night neve.” Tane replies as Henly observes us. I walk up the stairs and into my room. I hear the front door shut and peep through my curtains to watch Tane walk to his jeep.

Henly trots after him, her long hair flowing behind her. she says something to make him stop and face her. his hands on his hips. she speaks and then so does he. her arms go up and then slap back down to her sides.

she turns to leave, and he calls her back. she stops and stands there, waiting. he walks up to her and in the next breath, my world crumbles, my heart along with it. he grabs her face in his large hands and kisses her.

he speaks again and she nods. then she walks back in the house, and I’m left standing there, staring at his profile. at the last second, he looks up and I see pain in his eyes. he knows he just hurt me. but I think he hurt himself to.

He climbs in his jeep and pulls out of the drive. I watch him drive away, a single tear falling own my cheek. I fall face first on my bed and weep because it’s so unfair.

“Are you crying.” Henly asks standing inside my door. she’s got her arms crossed over her chest.

“Go away.” I sniff. she ignores me and comes into the room. her perfume fills the space around me.

“Talk to me Neve. why are you upset. is it because of Tane liking me and not you. Neve he’s 23. he’s too old for you. surly you understand that.” she touches my arm, and I flinch away.

“When you grow up, you’ll have boys falling over themselves to be with you. your young. beautiful. you’re going to college, uni. that’s amazing Neve.” I don’t understand why She’s being so nice to me, but I appreciate it.

“Do you want me to stop seeing him.” she asks in a soft tone and my heart yells yes. yes, I want you to stay away from him because he’s mine. but my head shakes and I whisper No.

she pats me on the shoulder and whispers that she loves me. the old Henly that I used to love is back, even if it is only for a little while. when she leaves, I continue to cry, long into the night.

13: Tane

I throw my spanner down with force and tip my head back towards the garage roof. it’s been Three weeks since that night. the night I watched a movie with Henly and Neve. the night I had the wrong girl pressed up against me.

“You good son.” Nigal asks walking by my bay. he’s been good to me. him and Ronnie. Neve’s dad is a hard man to get to know. but when you do, he’s loyal and faithful.

I was so sure when I told the Castles about my brother, they would kick me out of the house, but they didn’t and I’m grateful. when stella suggested that Henly and I were dating, I could of swore Neve looked like she was about to be sick.

I didn’t tell them the whole truth that night. and when Henly snuggled up to me on the couch, Neve looking at me with sad eyes, I felt like an asshole. but I also felt at home, something I haven’t had for a long time.

When everything started to go to shit with Jude. mum, dad and I drifted apart. there was always a row or a fight to be had. mum turned her back on Jude when he was arrested, and I don’t blame her. dad just… well, he’s dad.

he calls me when he feels like it’s been too long. he asks me the basics. mum will send me a text or ask me to go see her. but I don’t plan to go back to Cornwall. too much bad blood.

“I’m good. sorry. my brother is testing my patience.” I grumble as Nigal waits for me to answer. Jude is a slob. he leaves the flat every evening as I walk in. clothes on the floor and a sink full of dishes.

“Family. I get it. can’t pick em.” he walks away, and Ronnie joins me beside the ford I’m working on. he’s a few inches taller than me. wider too.

“wanna talk about it.” I look at him and away again. would he turn his back on me if he knows the whole story.

“I’m good. it’s just Jude. he’s a slob. eats everything. doesn’t clean up and doesn’t pay his share of the rent.” Ronnie huffs and leans on the back counter.

“How long was he inside for.” easy question to start.

“Two years of a Three-year sentence.” I reply pulling a smoke from my pack and walking to the outside door. Ronnie follows me and leans on the sliding door.

“Assault right.” he asks, and I nod. I light my smoke and take a deep drag. the nicotine calms me.

“Must have been bad for a Three-year sentence. anything I need to be worried about.” I shake my head no. Jude is no threat, when he’s not drunk. but so far, he hasn’t touched a drop.

“he’s good. he’s working hard. been sober 790 days. I would never let any harm come to your family sir.” Ronnie is old school. so, he nods when I call him sir.

“You and Henly good.” that’s the last question I wanted him to ask.

“we’re friends. she’s alright.” he huffs and shakes his head.

“she’s always been high maintenance. always wanting more from, me and her mother. she dropped out of school over some punk who she said assaulted her.” I watch his movements.

“How old was she.” I ask and he pins his light brown eyes on me.

“Just turned 16. went to some party. stayed out late. came home crying the next morning. stella took her to the doctor but no evidence of foul play was found. we think she was screaming for attention. typical Henly.” I take another drag of my smoke and look across the field.

“Nothing I or Stella does is enough for her. she always asks for more. tried to help her get a job. took her to interviews. filled out paperwork for her.” he huffs a laugh and then carries on.

“Even brought her, her first car. I pay for the insurance, the tax. I even put fuel in it for her. but she still can’t land a job.” that’s not what she told me. why did she lie.

“She was 6 when Neve was born. our miracle baby. Stella wanted a houseful of kids, but her body couldn’t hold onto the babies. Henly was jealous of Neve from day one. she used to push Neve over, hurt her.” he shakes his head at me, and I listen still smoking.

“When Neve was 5, Henly and her became friends. it was peaceful. they went everywhere together. did everything together. we finally had a happy home, but the last 6 to 8 months or so. Henly has changed again, became more resentful.” I don’t know what to say to him.

“Did they ever charge the guy. the one who hurt her.” I don’t know why I ask. it seems Henly went through a tough time and when it came down to it, her mum and dad turned their backs on her.

“Henly chose not to. she wouldn’t name him. so, we dropped it.” Nigal bangs about behind us and Ronnie nods my way once. that’s the signal that our little chat is over.

“Just be careful with her.” he doesn’t turn to face me fully. but I got his warning loud and clear. the trouble is, I’m already in deep with both girls.

I need Henly. I need her to stick around so I can be friends with neve. it’s wrong and sick. some would call it grooming but fuck them. Neve has carved a piece of my heart and kept it for herself, she did from the first time I saw her.

doesn’t mean I will act on anything, she’s too young. but I need to be around her. watch her grow and change into the beautiful woman she is. I need to see her succeed, have a life. if that means watching her get a boyfriend and try new things, so be it.

I’ll keep her safe, make sure she follows the right path. I know it will be hard. life is hard. but as much as she took a piece of my heart. I took a piece of hers too.

I finish my smoke and walk back inside the garage. I hear her before I see her and it makes my legs feel weak.

“don’t tell me she forgot again.” Ronnie growls and slams his hand down on the bonnet of a car.

“it’s fine dad. I don’t mind the walk; it’s not even that cold.” Neve defends her sister while Ronnie seethes.

“Fine. go. do your homework until she shows.” he finally grunts and gets back to work.

Nigal makes a big fuss of her when she walks by, pulling her in for a giant bear hug and she giggles. she looks at me and her face falls.

I know she saw me kiss Henly. I saw the sad look on her face as she stared down at us from her bedroom window. if only she understood why I did it. but I can’t tell her that. I can’t let her get her hopes up that there will ever be anything more between us.

I watch her go up to the office and I get back to work. I hate myself right now. I hate my thoughts and my feelings. I hate Jude, my parents. but the one thing I could never hate, is neve.

14: Neve

Tane enters the office, and I ignore him. he hurt my feelings, and I can’t forgive him for it. am I being childish. yes. maybe. but it is what it is.

Jennifer rush, I am your lady plays on the small radio and Tane makes a cup of coffee behind me. it’s a beautiful song and one of my mums’ favorites.

“Your mad at me.” his voice cuts through the air and I flinch.

“Why would I be mad at you.” I reply writing my math equation down.

“Because I kissed Henly, and you saw me.” he grunts, and I stop writing.

“Why did you do it.” I ask hating that he did. hating that I’m 15 and he’s 23. hating that I will never get to feel his lips on mine.

“it’s complicated.” I sigh because I knew he wouldn’t tell me.

“it’s fine. she’s your girlfriend after all.” just saying it is like swallowing acid.

“she’s not my girlfriend. we just hang out.” he defends, and I huff. yeah, since that night, they have hung out a lot more.

“I don’t care. you can kiss whoever you want.” I sound like a brat, and I know it.

“Then why are you mad.” he asks, and I drop my shoulders and spin to face him.

“Because you were my friend first. you were meant to be mine, Tane. I want to kiss you and cuddle you, but I’m 15 and everyone likes to remind me of that every chance they get, and I hate it.” I turn away from him again and feel the tears slide down my face.

Tane drops down to a crouch beside me. the smell of his soap and washing powder override the smell of grease and oil. his hair is messy under the hat I brought him. and those green eyes, they torment me.

“Look at me Newt.” he speaks softly, and I slowly turn my face to look at him. it’s devastating. he uses his thumbs to wipe my tears away. his big hands holding my face.

“If you were older. we would be together. there’s no doubt in my mind. but you’re not and it hurts me as much as it hurts you. I like Henly. she’s actually quite funny and smart. but you. you hold my heart, you always will.” I sniff as more tears fall down my face.

“I turned 16 yesterday. do you know what I wished for.” he keeps stroking my face and waits for me to continue.

“I wished that you would be my first kiss. how sad is that. I’m 16 and I’ve never been kissed.” he gives me a small smile and leans in to kiss my forehead.

“I wish I could Newt. but I can’t. I’m trying to be a good man, a better man. don’t make me out to be the bad guy. please don’t ask me to do that.” my heart cracks open. the small vessel leaking all my heartache for him to see.

“I wouldn’t tell anyone. if that’s what your worried about.” I whisper and he smiles again.

“it’s not that. I just know that if I kiss you, I wouldn’t be able to stop and its wrong Newt. it’s wrong on so many levels.” I close my eyes and block him out.

“Hey. look at me.” he encourages me to open my eyes, and I do, because I can’t not.

“Ask me again on your 17th birthday. ask me again one year from now and I’ll say yes.” Foreigner, I want to know what love is starts to play and everything else melts into the background.

“You promise.” I whisper and he nods. he wipes my tears and kisses my forehead one last time, lingering for a long time.

The moment is lost when footsteps bang on the stairs and Tane gets up from the floor. he grabs his coffee and walks to the door.

Henly comes crashing in and falls right into Tane. her hair is up in a messy bun, her make up flawless. she is flawless.

“Babe. I’m glad I caught you. do you want to go to a party with me Friday night.” she looks to him excited and I wait to see what he says.

“Sure.” that’s all he says and my heart drops again. how many times am I going to have to go through this.

“Oh, hey Neve. sorry I’m late. I finally got a job. I’m the new check out girl in Woolworths. cool huh. come on we need to go.” she taps her foot on the floor waiting for me to get my stuff together.

we all walk down the stairs together, Henly telling Tane to pick her up at 7. he agrees and she kisses him on the cheek. dad waves goodbye to us and gives Henly a scolding look.

“Hey Newt.” Tane yells as we reach the car. I turn to face him.

“Happy belated birthday.” his smile undoes me. I feel like I just won all the lotteries in the world. I smile back and give him a little wave.

Henly huffs when I climb in the car. she drives us home with the radio up full. I get the feeling she doesn’t want to talk to me and that’s fine.

---

“I think I should go on the pill. if me and Tane are going to have sex, we need to be careful.” I pass Henly’s room and catch the end of her conversation and my stomach bottoms out.

“I was on it when I was with Jensen, but we broke up year ago and I haven’t been with anyone since then.” I continue to listen to her talk.

“I know… but Tane s different. he’s so much more mature. he’s all man.” my eyes sting with tears.

“He kisses me all the time.” she giggles, and I try not to gag.

“Hopefully we can find a room at the party… he said he wants to; he just wants to take it slow.” I can’t listen to anymore. Tane wants to sleep with Henly.

15: Neve

July 1996

“No more school.” Julia hums as we walk through the gates for the last time. the last Four months of exams have been grueling.

“Thank god. I’m so over it.” I reply as we wait in the car park for Henly to pick me up. I don’t think she’s working today and said she would be here. weather she shows is another thing all together.

we have been getting on a lot better lately. I hate to say it, but Tane is changing her for the better. they are now officially together and have spent little time apart.

“We have six weeks until college. are you volunteering at the pool this year.” she asks, and I nod. I put my name down to be a volunteer lifeguard and finished my training Two weeks ago.

“Yeah. I get to spend every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday sitting by the outdoor pool. then I’m working on the weekends.” she nods along as we stand and wait.

“I’m still pissed your dad didn’t buy you a car for your 16th birthday like he did Henly.” that’s because I told him not too. he and mum are struggling financially. me going to Uni is draining them dry.

“You know why he didn’t. I told him not too. mum and dad are paying for me to go to Uni. besides. where’s your car Jules.” I tease bumping her shoulder with mine.

“Ok, fair point I told my dad not to get me one either.” both of us going to Cambridge is a big deal. I will be the first Castle to go, and she will be the first Holland to go.

“Looks like Henly is a no show again.” I sigh as we start to walk in the direction of the garage.

“You want to come to mine and call her from there.” I shake my head. Julia lives 10 minutes from the school, and she likes to walk. I live 30 minutes away and as much as I like hanging with her, I want to see Tane.

“it’s fine. I’ll go see dad at the garage and wait there.” I reply as she pushes my shoulder again playfully.

“And to see a certain man who holds your heart in his hands.” I blush because she’s not wrong.

“he’s with Heny. they are good together. he’s good for her.” I hate the words that spill from my mouth.

“Bullshit. he settled for less; he wants you but because of the age gap he won’t go for what he truly wants. it’s so sad.” I agree with her. it is bullshit.

“doesn’t matter what he wants. he can’t have me, and I hate it. but Henly is happy. she’s different now. she’s working and is actually nice to me.” why I’m defending her, I have no idea.

she has changed though. dad commented recently how much more agreeable she is. how she works harder, earns her own money, buys her own petrol. she’s just nicer.

“Well, I still think you’ll end up together. get married and have lots of babies.” she giggles, and I smile. it’s a fantasy of mine.

“What about you and Gabe. is he still treating you ok.” Julia started dating Gabe Wrestler Three months ago. he’s not what we call a cool kid, but he’s a good guy.

“He is. he’s really sweet, but with me going to Uni next year. I don’t think it will go anywhere. what’s the point of getting close just to have my heart broken.” the thought of leaving Tane for Three years while I’m away hurts.

“So, what will you do.” I ask. Julia deserves all the happiness.

“He knows how I feel, I’ve been really honest and for now we are just keeping it casual. going to college is easy, we will be home every day. but when I go to Cambridge. we will only be home one weekend every Four months. it’s a lot to consider.” I agree with her.

“Maria is dating Shawn Fraser. did you know that.” I did know that. her and Amber are still really close. the four of us don’t hang around anymore and that’s fine. nothing lasts forever.

“Camron and Amber broke up.” she adds, and I snort. I knew that wouldn’t last. ever since that night at the fair, they have dated on and off. Camrom is a player. Amber is high maintenance.

“Give it a week and they will be back together. he will sleep with someone else in that time and she will forgive him when he buys her another piece of Jewlery.” we both laugh because their relationship is so predictable.

“I feel I’m the only one at this point who hasn’t dated or will date. I haven’t even kissed a boy and I’m almost 17.” ok, not almost but you get the drift.

“Things will change in college. you’ll see… this is me, I’ll see you next week. I’ll come by the pool.” we hug, and she walks to her door.

“Love you, Jules.” I wave and she yells it back. Juliet is the only good thing in my life right now.

mum and dad are arguing more. dad is never home. Henly is with Tane, and mum just sits in her room and reads her books. but then with summer now here, she’ll be with her fiends again gossiping in no time.

I see the garage as I approach. the doors are all open and music filters into the air. Tane is sitting on the low wall, smoking a cigarette. he watches me come closer.

“Newt.” that’s how he says hello. I love my nickname.

“Hey Tane.” I smile and sit beside him. which hurts more than you could possibly know.

“She late again.” he huffs, and I sigh.

“You know it.” I reply and he bumps his shoulder with mine.

“what’s up. why do you look so sad.” he asks, and I want to scream at him. tell him that he makes me sad. that the whole world is unfair. but I just shrug.

“Nothing. life. how everything is just… off.” we have many of these little chats and he always pulls me off a ledge when it all becomes too much.

“Schools finished huh.” he asks, and I nod.

“I’m volunteering at the pool over summer.” he knows this already.

“You got a boyfriend yet.” this question completely blows me away.

“Why would I have a boyfriend. you know how I feel.” the air becomes stale. his body too close to mine.

“I know. I’m sorry.” he mumbles that bit and smokes his cigarette.

“Are you going to the beach party on Saturday.” I ask changing the subject.

“Yeah. Henly wants to go. I think my brother will be there.” I look towards him then. he doesn’t talk about his brother a lot.

“I’m going with Julia.” he stiffens beside me. the silence stretches and neither of speaks.

“what’s your brother like.” I finally ask and he flick his smoke away.

“Just stay away from him ok.” he stands up and walks into the garage. he seems stressed and I wish I could cuddle him. Henly pulls up and gets out of her car.

“I’m so sorry Neve. my boss asked to see me. I wasn’t even supposed to be working, and we chatted for ages about stuff I don’t understand. he’s a mean twat and I’m sorry.” she looks genuinely sorry, so I smile.

“it’s fine. Tane waited with me for a bit.” she smiles back and plays with her hair.

“I’ll just go say Hi and then we can go.” I watch her walk up to him and they look so good together it makes me feel sick. he leans down and kisses her quickly. almost robotically.

Dad gives me a wave as I climb into Henly’s car and wait. she giggles and they kiss again. I look away. my stomach feeling like its full of rocks. Henly destroyed a lot of things for me, Tane being one and the fair being the other.

“We just need to stop at Tane’s to pick up my sweater and then we can go home.” Henly puts her belt on, and we are off. my eyes find Tane, and he gives me a sad smile.

I think back when my life was simpler, fun. now all I do is mope about, pining for someone who can’t have me.

16: Neve

I’ve never been to Tane’s flat. its right in the center of town, next to the marketplace. you have to climb stairs at the side of the building to gain access.

Henly gets out a key and I huff in annoyance. Tane gave her a key, how serious are they. we walk inside and notice right away that it smells like Tane.

“Hey Jude.” Henly calls as I stand near the door looking lost. it feels weird to be standing in his space.

“Hey. what are you doing here.” A deep voice calls back. Henly walks further inside the flat and I stay put.

“Just came to get my sweater from Tane’s room. left it here the other night.” so she stays here with him. why does that kill me so much.

“I’ll help you look.” Jude comes into view, and I, suck in a breath. he’s just as big as Tane. same dark hair, but his build is slimmer, and his face is clean shaven.

“Oh, hey. who is this then.” he looks right at me. his eyes running up and down my body. he licks his lips, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

“This is my sister Neve.” Henly calls walking into another room. presumably Tane’s.

“Hey Neve. I’m Jude.” he holds out his hand and I’m reluctant to take it. Tane told me to stay away. he realizes I’m not going to take it, and he drops his hand and smiles.

“How old are you.” his question throws me off. why does he need to know that.

“I’m 16.” I reply and he runs his hand through his hair.

“Nice. just the right age.” he leers and my body shudders. I don’t like the meaning behind that, so I step back further away from him.

“You got a boyfriend.” he asks, and I look past him for Henly. why is she taking so damn long.

“Yes.” that’s all I say, and he smiles again.

“I bet you do. gorgeous young girl like you, I bet the boys are fighting over you.” he licks his lips again and I shudder. Thats when Henly walks back down the small hall.

“Neve doesn’t have a boyfriend. she’s too innocent for that.” I could kill Henly right now. why didn’t she just agree with me. Jude’s eyes open wider.

“Oh really. Maybe we could hang out sometime.” he suggests, and I cringe. he is nothing like Tane. he’s a predator. Henly snorts.

“Good luck with that. she only has eyes for your brother. but unlucky for her, he’s with me.” it’s the cruelest thing she’s said in a long time, and I don’t understand.

“Is that right. so, my brother likes em young. interesting.” I hate being here. both of them looking at me like I’m some kind of prey. like I’m a child. Henly should be protecting me and defending Tane.

“Tane would never go there. he knows how old she is and he’s a gentleman, unlike you.” she winks at him, and he laughs. he smells different to Tane. like old beer and man sweat.

“We need to go.” I turn and fiddle with the door latch, the damn thing is tricky to open and when Jude steps closer my body freezes.

“Here, let me help.” his breath flows down the back of my neck and I shiver. he chuckles lightly and I want to scream and run away.

“I’ll see you at the beach, little Neve.” he whispers in my ear as the door finally opens. Henly laughs when she sees me looking red and embarrassed.

I run down the stairs with Henly following slower than usual. I didn’t miss the way she whispered in Jude’s ear before she followed. and I didn’t miss his lingering smile.

“Why are you so scared all the time. Jude is cool, and closer to your age. stop being such a prude.” Henly giggles as we walk back to her car.

“I’m not a prude. he gives me the creeps and Tane told me to stay away from him.” I reply as Henly looks at me. she looks mad.

“Why would Tane tell you to stay away from him. maybe you should stay away from Tane.” she snaps and then stops.

“Sorry. that was mean. I get it… Jude is full on, but he’s ok. I get on well with him. he’s funny and sweet. just get to know him before you write him off.” I watch as she climbs in the car.

“But Tane said.” I don’t get to finish my sentence as she turns her angry face to me.

“Fuck what Tane said. I’m your sister. you should listen to me, not Tane. Tane is MY boyfriend. you need to find your own man, Jude is cool. now drop it.” we drive in silence as we head for home.

Mum is standing outside when we arrive. she’s talking to Harmony and Shiela from next door when we stop and climb out of the car.

“Hey girls. good day.” mum asks as we walk closer. Harmony is the same age as Henly. Shiela is her mom, the same age as my mum.

“Hey mum. I see the summer is in full swing.” mum laughs as she, sips on a can of lemonade. Shiela winks holding up a glass of wine and Harmony rolls er eyes at them.

“Just catching up on all the gossip. you know me.” I smile and pat her shoulder as Henly walks past, walking inside.

“You’re growing up fast neve. and getting boobs too.” Shiela cackles and mum slaps her friend on the arm.

“My Neve is beautiful. off to college soon and then University.” Shiela nods along while Harmony looks bored. she doesn’t work, never finished high school.

“What are you going to study.” Shiela asks. Harmony chooses that moment to walk away. ok then.

“I was thinking fashion or hospitality management.” I shrug because in reality, I want to do both.

“You always did know how to dress proper. and I know firsthand what you’re baking tastes like.” she winks at me, and I beam at her. mum looks at me so much pride.

“You got a boyfriend yet. I never see you with anyone but your friend. Julianne, is it.” I nod and smile.

“it’s Julia and I don’t have time for boys. I’m volunteering at the pool this summer. plus, I work on the weekends. my Calander is full.” mum hugs me from the side and after a few minutes I excuse myself and walk inside.

even though its Friday and we just finished school. I head to bed early because I have work tomorrow and then I’m going to the beach party with Julia.

17: Neve

“There are so many cute guys here, all with no tops on.” Julia giggles as we make our way down to the beach, through the trees and near the fire that’s been built.

“And what would Gabe think of you looking at all these cute boys.” I laugh back and she rolls her eyes at me.

“Ok you got me there. he would be heart broken. let’s go set up and catch the last rays of the sun.” I follow her towards a group of kids from school. Amber and Camron being some of them.

“Hey guys. you made it.” Amber walks over to us and sways in the sand, clearly already having drank too much.

“NO MORE SCHOOL.” she yells and everyone cheers around us. Julia and I both laugh, laying down our blanket and pulling out Two cans of coke from our bag.

more and more people join our group. the older ones lingering across the fire. this beach party has been a tradition for over 8 years. and ok, it’s not technically a beach, more of a lake, slash pond. story has it, a rich kid got his dad to dump some sand. don’t ask how he got away with, we have no clue.

it’s because we don’t live near the beach that it was declared a beach. some college kids claimed it as their own private beach, starting the tradition of the bonfire when school finished for the year. then it grew bigger and became more popular.

now the whole town knows about it. parents know about it. even the local police know about it, but as long as we don’t destroy anything, we are left alone.

“Hot future husband at Ten o’clock.” Julia whispers in my ear and my head turns that way. Tane looks good in a pair of black jeans, his boots undone as usual. paired with a white top and a gold chain on his neck.

Henly is holding his hand as they walk to the side of the bonfire that has the older kids. Jude is with them, and he looks around the place as if looking for his next victim. its gross.

maybe I’m being unfair. he didn’t do anything wrong the other day. but he did make me feel uncomfortable. Tane told me to stay away and that’s what I intend to do.

“Earth to Neve. where did you just go.” Julia nudges my shoulder, and I turn back to her.

“Sorry. I just don’t trust Tane’s brother. he’s super creepy.” I shudder and she looks in that direction.

“I’m sure he’s fine. but I trust your judgement. oh hey, there’s Gabe.” she gets up and trots over to say hello. I knew he was coming but now he’s here. I’m once again feeling alone.

The night draws in and Gabe joins us on the blanket. he has a few friends with him, one of which is currently asking me to go out with him.

“I don’t have time to date. I’m busy and then I’m off to college. there’s plenty of other girls here to ask.” I don’t mean to snap at him but he’s being very forward.

Wayne Crosswell is cute. but he’s not Tane and I really am busy this summer. I look across the fire to where Henly is. she’s sitting next to Tane and keeps leaning in to kiss his neck and his cheek.

his gaze finds mine across the sand. Green eyes locked on to mine. Jude is just behind him, closer to Henly. he looks in the same direction as Tane and when I look at him, he’s grinning. double gross.

“I understand. your focused. that’s a good thing Neve. just give me a chance, I won’t get in your way, and we can just keep it, Casual.” Wayne is still droning on at me. my eyes snapping back to him in annoyance.

“I’m going for a walk.” I snap, standing up and walking away. Julia gives me a look and I shake my head. I want to be alone.

I walk down to the water’s edge and dip my feet into the chilly water, my toes sinking into the soft mud. I sigh and look up at the stars.

“Pretty sky tonight huh.” I spin to look at who joined me. Jude is standing there with his hands in his jeans pocket. he has a black top on with a black bomber jacket, and white trainers on his feet.

he looks young. his face is smooth, his teeth straight. his hair has been brushed, and he is wearing some cologne. but the way he looks at me makes me shudder.

“How are you, Jude. does Tane know your here talking with me.” I sound insane right now. why did I even ask how he was. why bring up Tane. he laughs at my comment.

“Tane is sucking face with your sister. it’s annoying how loud they are in the bedroom if you know what I mean.” he wiggles his eyebrows and continues.

“So no, I don’t think he cares right now that I’m talking to a pretty girl. a pretty girl who’s single.” he smiles, and I want to leave. I don’t like him, and I can’t put my finger on why.

“Well, I should get back.” I go to step past I’m, but he blocks my way.

“Why the hurry. If you’re going to tell on me, it’s pointless. your sister was the one who told me to come talk to you. your friends are busy. it’s just you and me little Neve” I look down to where he’s holding my wrist. when did he grab me and what do I do.

“What do you want.” I ask with a shaky voice. I hate how weak I sound.

“What do you think I want.” he asks, and I shrink away from him. he can’t possibly mean what I think he means.

“Are you drunk.” I ask trying to think of ways to get him to let me go.

“Sober as a judge.” he smiles, and I cringe.

“What do you want.” I ask again, afraid of the answer.

he looks me up and down licking his lips. I curse myself for wearing short shorts. for wearing a top that hangs off my shoulder showing my bra strap.

“I want a kiss. but I want you to kiss me. I want you to make the first move. or I’ll tell Tane that you showed me your little titties.” I close my eyes, trying not to throw up. he’s a pig and I hate him.

“He would never believe you.” I whisper and he smiles again.

“I’m his brother, his blood. he believed me in the past. he would believe me now.” what does that even mean. the past. what did he do.

I know he went to prison and got off early for good behavior and he got a lesser sentence over a technicality. but the way he said that makes me think he was guilty, and he got away with it.

“Why did you go to prison.” I ask stalling for time.

“doesn’t matter. now kiss me. I’m losing patience.” he tugs on my wrist and pulls me closer to him.

I look around for anyone to help, but we are alone, and I curse myself for being foolish. I want to scream and run away. I want Tane, I need him.

feeling like utter shit, I move closer. if he wants a kiss. then who am I to deny him. I press against his chest, his chin coming down for me to reach him better.

“Kiss me little Neve.” he whispers against my lips. I’m so close now I can smell his breath. he smiles because he thinks he won. he thinks I’m that kind of girl. but he’s wrong.

I lift my knee and bring it up hard against his disgusting crotch. my wrist is released, and I step away as he falls to his knees.

“You, fucking little bitch.” he grits through his clenched teeth.

“you’ll fucking pay for that. just you wait and see.” I don’t wait around to see what else he would do. I run as fast as I can, back towards the bonfire. back to the safety of my friends.

If Henly asked him to come and find me, did that mean Tane new too. but then why would he ask me to stay away. I feel sick, my head is pounding, and Julia can see straight away that something is very wrong.

18: Tane

Henly is clinging to me like a monkey, and it makes my skin itch. this whole night has been a bust. I would rather be at home, watching a movie, cuddling on the couch.

Not that I want to do that with Henly. but it has been our routine for the last few weeks. she even stayed over a couple of nights, and it was horrible.

she wants us to have sex, but I’m not feeling it and I know that’s not fair to her. she’s changed and is becoming a better person now she’s working and paying her way.

don’t get me wrong, I like her. she’s just not Neve. if I could walk away I would. but there’s things that she knows and things that she is holding over me.

“Why are you sweating and panting.” I ask as Jude comes back from wherever he just went. he winks at me and sits down. my jaw locking with strain.

“Just had a taste of paradise that’s all. these college chicks are kicky as fuck.” Henly giggles and looks at Jude.

“My sister is not a college chick, well technically she is. but good for you, she needs to experience things now she’s getting older.” my blood turns to ice in my veins.

“What did you just say. that’s Neve you’re talking about. she’s 16, not 18. tell me you didn’t touch her.” I seethe as Jude looks smug. Henly rolling her eyes at me.

“Relax. Jude likes her. she’s young and should be flirting with boys. going out and getting drunk. I was.” she giggles, and I stand up and look around for Neve.

“I swear to god if you touched her Jude.” I threaten and he stands up too.

“Relax. she didn’t do anything she didn’t want to. just showed me her little itty-bitty titties.” I punch him in the face as Henly jumps up to defend him.

I hit him again and again. years of pent-up frustration. years of him lying to me. he’s a god damn liability. he’s a predator and if he so much as touched a hair on her head, I’ll kill him.

“Tane. stop it.” Henly pulls my arm, and I stagger back. sweat drips off my face as Jude lays on the ground groaning. people are watching and looking at me like I’m some kind of animal.

“Why are you acting this way. Neve is not your problem.” I glare at Henly. she set this up, her own sister. who does that. if only she knew what kind of a man my brother was.

I’ve defended him for so long. yes, he’s, sober now. he’s got a good job and is keeping his nose clean. but that doesn’t stop him from preying on your girls. its sick and wrong.

“What going on.” Neve comes closer to where we are all standing. Jude slowly getting to his feet. his nose is bleeding, and his left eye is swollen shut.

“This is your fault. I told you to stay away. I told you Neve. now you got Jude punched in the face for showing him your tits. who does that. your gross and immature.” Neve flinches and looks around. Henly just humiliated her. and stay away from who?

“I…” she looks at me and I shake my head. not to defend Henly but to get neve to stop talking. I need her to walk away.

“Come on Neve. let’s go.” Julia pulls her away and I turn to glare at Henly. she was out of order, but she stands with her arms crossed over her chest. she’s got me over a barrel, and she knows it.

I watch as she is led away by her friend, and I sigh. Jude stands taller now. he knows he needs me. so, he comes closer to me and stands at my front.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone after her. my mistake.” Henly takes his arm and walks the same way Neve, did. Jude limping like I kicked him in the leg. maybe I did.

I growl under my breath and follow them, the party starting back up like it was a regular thing. we reach my jeep, and we all climb in.

Once back at the flat. Jude is helped into his room my Henly and I grab myself a beer. I don’t know what takes her so long and I don’t care. right now, all I can think of is my Newt, showing her tits to Jude. if that’s even what she did.

“You coming to bed.” Henly asks standing in the doorway, hands twisting together. I nod looking her up and down.

she’s a beautiful girl. tall and slim, legs for days. her hair is always perfect, and she doesn’t wear too much makeup. it’s been a long time since I’ve had sex and maybe now is a good time to get rid of some of this aggression.

“I won’t be gentle. I can’t, not tonight.” she understands what I mean and nods.

“it’s fine. I like it rough.” she looks nervous, and she should be.

we enter my room, and I close the door. she stands at the foot of the bed. my blood is pumping through my body at an alarming rate.

“Strip.” I grit out through clenched teeth, and she does what I ask.

she has a tight body. big round tits that are ripe for sucking. her shorts hit the flood, and she stands before me in a small lace thong. I point to the bed beside me, and she walks closer.

“Bent over.” she dose, and I grab some lube from the nightstand. I cover my cock with a condom and lube that is so hard right now. I move her thong to the side and enter with force.

“Ow. Tane. slow down.” I grab her hair and pull her head back.

“I said I wouldn’t be gentle. you said that was fine, now take it.” I thrust inside her again and again. her tits swing back and forth from the force.

I’m not being gentle, but I said I wouldn’t. she moans as I pick up my pace. my hips slapping against her ass. her screams fill the room. I tug her hair harder, and she almost comes off the bed.

“Tane.” she yells as her walls constrict around me. she comes with a wail, and I follow behind her, my come filling the rubber. she pants and moans as I pull from her body.

I feel disgusted with myself. she didn’t deserve that. but she did deserve to be treated harshly for what she did to Neve. she knew what she was doing sending my brother after her. it makes me feel sick.

“That was amazing.” she says in a sleepy tone, and I want to kick her out. but I walk into the bathroom and slam the door behind me. what did I just do.

19: Neve

February 1997

“it’s my birthday.” I sing a merry tune to Julia who has just showed up at my door. she looks elegant in her brown skater dress, brown boots and gold hoops.

“Happy birthday bestie. here, I got you a little something.” she hands me a small white box and I open it with gusto. inside is a small gold chain with Two hearts dangling from it.

“One for you and one for me.” she takes the chain and secures it around my wrist. its delicate and pretty.

“it’s beautiful Jules. I love it, thank you.” I hug her close and we walk into the kitchen where mum is finishing frosting the cake she made.

“Hey Julia. good of you to come.” mum smiles at Julia and we grab a can of coke. it’s just family coming to celebrate with me today.

“Thanks for having me. I wouldn’t miss my girl’s 17th for the world.” I hug my best friend again. we have been going to college now for the past 5 months. we spent Christmas together and new year.

A lot of things changed since that night at the beach. for one, Henly moved in with Tane. I haven’t seen any of them for over 4 months. dad and mum are taking a break. he moved out and into the house that Nigal owns.

as far as I know Jude still lives with Tane. but again, I’ve not seen any of them. thank goodness. the door opens and in walks dad, a big smile on his face.

“Happy birthday munchkin.” he kisses my cheek and moves over to mum to do the same. they still love each other, but things just became too hard.

“Here. I got you these.” he hands me a small gift and I open it to find some books, mostly hospitality. but a few on fashion and I lean in to thank him.

“Thanks dad. that’s really thoughtful.” he grabs a beer from the fridge, and we all gather around the table to wait for the food. mum already told me I’m not to help her.

the door opens again and there he is. my Tane. he looks good, still just as tall and looking good in his light wash jeans and blue top. Henly follows behind him, dressed in a black dress with a red belt.

she hugs mum while Tane shakes hands with my dad. mum then hugs Tane while Henly hugs dad. she still hasn’t spoken to me. Jules gives me a look and I shake my head.

“Dinner is ready. everyone takes a seat.” mum calls and Tane sits opposite to me. he gives me a tight smile and I do the same.

“how’s school.” dad asks and we fall into conversation as mum sets down everyone’s plates.

“it’s good. I’m glad I only chose to do a year before going to Uni. I’m advanced in all my classes.” I beam as he nods along. he’s proud of me.

“that’s awesome love.” he thanks mum for his plate and Henly finally sits down next to Tane.

“I didn’t get you anything. money is tight at the minute.” Tane flinches and I don’t miss it.

“that’s no excuse Henly. what about your job.” dad asks and Henly pauses with some mash halfway to her mouth.

“I lost it. but I’m looking. I just… well. it’s just hard at the minute.” Dad sighs but doesn’t comment. Henly looks at me.

“I’ll get you something when I get a job.” Jules squeezes my hand under the table.

“it’s fine. I don’t need anything.” I look at Tane who looks away.

“of course, you don’t. dad pays for everything.” she snorts, and dad stiffens.

dad does not pay for everything. he never did. I pay for my own clothes. my own books, my own food. I’m guessing now Henly is without a job she will need help with her car again, unless Tane is paying for it.

“How are things between the two of you, honey.” mum asks Henly who smiles with joy. she looks to Tane who looks uncomfortable.

“Things are great, right Tane.” Henly coos as Tane forces a smile on his face. he still won’t look at me and I hate it.

“And your brother, is he still living with you.” she asks, and he nods.

“Yeah. for now. but he’s hoping to move out in a few months.” we all fall silent again and continue to eat. Julia my silent partner.

dinner has never felt so awkward. I hate it because Tane has changed. he’s become withdrawn and I think he’s lost weight. once we are done. mum brings in my cake and we sing happy birthday.

“Make a wish.” Jules whispers in my ear. my eyes landing on Tane. my only wish will ever be for him to kiss me, to make me his.

I blow out the candles and mum, takes the cake to the kitchen. Jules excuses herself to go to the bathroom and suddenly it’s just me and Tane in the room.

“I got you something.” I look at Tane a surprised expression on my face as he comes closer. I smell his clean washing smell. his soap. he looks sad and I hate it. what is he doing with Henly if he’s sad.

he hands me a small black box with a red ribbon wrapped around the outside. I look to him and he gives me a small smile.

“Open it.” he whispers. I do as he says and fine a gold chain, a necklace. the pendant is a small alien. it makes me smile.

“Turn it over.” I do and, on the back, its engraved. Newt. my heart. that’s all its says and I throw myself into his arms.

it’s the first time I’ve ever had such contact with him, and I love it. we fit so well together. my small frame against his larger one. our faces are so close now, I can see every speck of blue in his eyes.

“What did you wish for.” he asks, and I gasp. he remembered. I look down and blush. he puts a finger under my chin and lifts my head.

“Tell me.” he whispers, and I close my eyes. my thoughts are all of him. they always have been.

“That you would be my first…” I don’t get to finish because his lips are on mine, soft and firm. the room fades away as we become lost in our world. my hands frame his face. his hands frame mine and its everything I thought it would be.

I hear the gasp before he does, and we turn to face the kitchen. Henly stands there with a look of thunder on her face. Tane pulls away, his abrupt movement knocking me back as he walks out of the room.

“it’s never enough for you is it. you always want more.” her hatred for me is so clear I don’t know how to react or what to say.

“I…” she holds her hand up to stop me, the look of disgust on her face.

“Screw you. you can go to hell.” mum comes into the room at that point and looks between the two of us. tears fall from my eyes because I know what we just did was so wrong. but goddammit, he was mine first.

when I get up to go after her, I see dad watching from the doorway. he must have seen it too and I feel so ashamed. Tane is not mine. as much as I want him to be, he isn’t.

Jules comes to my side and pulls me in for a hug. mum looks around the room wondering what the hell just happened, and dad exits the back door. I just ruined everything.

20: Neve

September 1997

“You, going home for the weekend.” Jules asks and I shake my head. it’s been over a year since I stepped foot inside my home and even longer since I spoke to Henly.

last I heard she and Tane were engaged, and dad was fully on board with the idea. it broke my heart when I found out. my brief phone calls to mum are all I have. even dad only speaks to me just to say hello.

I ruined everything 19 months ago. mum and dad are filing for divorce. dad said the best thing to happen to me was to get away from our hometown and start new. I celebrated my 18th birthday with Juliet and Gabe.

my phone rings and I see dads name on the screen. he only calls me every few weeks. for a brief second I debate answering it. but in the end, I still love my dad.

“Hey dad.” he’s quiet on the other end. then I hear a slight sniff.

“Neve. Munchkin. you need to come home. your mum…she needs you.” he lets out a quiet sob and I just know something isn’t right.

“Dad. what’s wrong. what happened.” I ask already pulling things from my closet and stuffing them in a bag. if I leave now. I can be home within Two hours.

“She won’t wake up Neve. they say she has a brain bleed.” Jules looks at me frantically packing and frowns. when I stumble with my toiletries, she takes over.

“What hospital. I’ll be there in Two hours.” I slip on my shoes and grab my keys. I brought my own car a few months ago and now I can go where I want.

“St Albam’s. head for the Third floor. speak to the woman on the desk.” we hang up and I fill Jules in with what he said. she begs me to drive carefully as I load my car.

that journey is one of the worst of my life. not knowing what state mum will be in when I get there. traffic is light and I’ve never been more thankful.

I park the car and head for the main building, third floor. I stop to speak to a nurse and as she looks up my mum’s name. mum comes round the corner. I’m so confused right now.

“Mum.” I throw myself into her arms and she hugs me tight. dad is leaning against a door halfway down the corridor.

“Come. Henly is in room 312.” I must show confusion because I don’t move right away. it’s not until I see Tane that it hits me.

“what’s going on. why is Henly in hospital.” I ask walking with mum, her arm threaded through mine.

we stop outside her door and my eyes lock with Tane. he looks different. he looks withdrawn and thin. he gives me a small smile and I move past him into the room.

Henly is strapped to a bunch of machines, her face is thin, her eyes sunken into her head. what has she done to herself. I don’t move from the space where I stopped.

“She was driving. she was drunk with Jude in the car. they left the road and rolled a bunch of times.” Tane is the one to tell me.

“Jude didn’t make it.” he adds looking like he’s going to be sick or fall down. Jude is dead.

my hand goes to my mouth. I didn’t like him, but I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. dad still hasn’t spoken from where he’s standing at the door.

“I don’t understand. why was she drinking and driving.” I’m mostly speaking to myself as the machines continue to beep.

“Thats for Tane to tell you. things have changed since you left.” dad is looking at Tane now. sorrow in his eyes.

“There are many things that you don’t know.” dad looks at mum and she, dips her head low. what isn’t she, telling me. but when I look at her, really look at her. I can see she’s lost weight too.

“Mum.” I ask confused ignoring Tane as he glares at me from across the room. dad moves to mum when she breaks out into a sob.

“it’s my fault. I gave her some horrific news and she couldn’t handle it. she got drunk because of me.” mum sobs louder as dad hold her up.

“that’s bullshit and you know it. she was drinking way before you said anything. she was hanging with Jude while Tane was working his ass off keeping a roof over both their heads.” dad is angry as Tane sits in one of the plastic chairs, his head in his hands.

I move over to him and crouch down. his eyes find mine and we share a moment of support. he needs me. mum needs me. whatever has happened while I was away. they hid from me.

“Please tell me what’s going on. why did you give her bad news. what was it.” Tane clutches my hand as I stand up. his fingers locking with mine.

dad notices and lets out a sigh. mum has gone quiet, and they both turn to face me.

“Your mother has cancer. she was diagnosed three months ago. the treatment isn’t working, and she broke to news to Henly last night. she reacted badly and left the house upset.” I take in everything he just said and Tane pulls me closer to him.

“Cancer.” I whisper. the only sound in the room is the beeping from Henlys machines. mum nods and dad, kisses her head.

“They told us a few days ago. I won’t live to see Christmas.” the rooms spins, and I sway on the spot. Tane guides me into his chair and keeps a firm hold of my hand.

“I’m sorry love. I didn’t want to say anything. you have a whole life to live. you’re doing so well at Uni. I’m so very proud of you.” I hear her speak but nothing registers.

she wasn’t going to tell me. she was going to die, and I wasn’t going to be there. who does that. I feel anger build in my chest. the walls of the room close in around me and I feel like I’m going to be sick.

I stand up from the chair, shaking Tane’s hand from mine. I shouldn’t be here. this all feels wrong. like I’m not part of this family anymore. they all moved on and made decisions without me.

“I need to go.” I’m shaking as mum rushes towards me. dad letting her go. she crashes into me with force and we both cry as we sink to the floor.

“I’m so, so sorry love. we need to stay strong as a family. for Henly, she needs you. I need you. but I want you to go back to Uni and finish your degree. for me. for you.” I don’t listen to a word she says as she cries in my arms. I feel numb.

eventually dad helps mum to her feet, Tane helping me. dad nods towards Tane and he guides me to the door. I walk like I’m not here. Henly forgotten. I feel like I’ve got no feet. my legs shaking and my heart breaking.