11: Nate Hansen

The first few days after a new patient arrives are always the hardest. They are scared, angry, withdrawn, there is no way around it. I can only stay calm and let them vent in whatever way they need to and be here for them.

Charlie has taught me a lot about compassion and determination, and I have taken what I have learned and applied it to how I interact with patients. Charlie has an incredibly special way of getting through to her patients. She is kind and dedicated and never judges anyone. She pushes everyone to do their best, even her employees and she never gives up on anyone. She is truly remarkable, and I am fortunate to work for her and learn from her.

Levi is a little more challenging than what I am used to. He is an actor, he is used to having things his way, has a beautiful actress girlfriend who has relied on Levi to take care of her, and his manager wants to control everything I’m sure.

“Sorry man”, I tell Levi after our first uncomfortable therapy treatment.

He rolls his eyes at me and looks away. “Just get on with the toileting already”, he growls at me.

I grab the urinal and do what I need to as he turns his head to ignore me.

“I know this is all unsettling and it will probably get worse before it gets better, but I’m always going to be straightforward with you about everything along the way”, I state to him.

Caught off guard, but not totally unexpected, Levi asks me, “What the hell made you want to do this for a job?”

I do get asked that often, being a guy, I can understand why my job is not very appealing. This was not my first choice for a career, but things happen unexpectedly that cause a person to change course. It is better that Levi knows the reason, so I tell him.

“Fifteen years ago, my best friend severed his spinal cord in a skiing accident. There were not any treatment centers like this back then, so I watched him go through whatever treatment options were available. He couldn’t feel or move anything from his chest down, he only had sporadic control of his arms”.

Levi seems to be listening to me, so I continue, “I witnessed my best friend go through every emotion possible…anger, denial, hopelessness, depression, and even though I was there for him, it wasn’t enough, and he took his own life”, I almost choke on the words but go on….” I promised myself I would do whatever I can to make sure someone in his situation does not have his same fate. I did a lot of research, became a physical therapist, and then I found Charlotte, and here I am”, I happily explain to him.

I thought of becoming a nurse, but during my first semester in Nursing school, I met Charlotte on the rehab floor of one of the hospitals. I watched the way she interacted with a patient who was paralyzed from the waist down and was intrigued. I started asking her questions and she told me about her rehab center specifically for spinal cord injury patients. She gave me a tour around the facility one day and realized right away that I wanted to be a therapist here.

Levi looks at me with a much more pleasant expression and earnestly says, “oh”.

After what feels like a newfound respect for each other, I get the Hoyer lift ready and explain how I am going to use it to lift him into his wheelchair. This process goes smoothly. He stays quiet but no longer angry. I reassure him that we will be able to do more with him as his fractures heal and he acknowledges me with a nod.

“Your parents, Mark and Emma are waiting in the lounge for you, we are all going to take a tour of the place together before lunch, alright? I say to him.

“Yeah, yeah, sure ok” he says as I push his chair into the hall.

12: Uneasy

Levi’s POV

Once Nate told me he would be putting my back brace on me, I automatically assumed it would be some over-sized, extremely uncomfortable contraption. Instead, it was surprisingly light and thin and wrapped around my torso like it was specifically pre-made for me. Not sure when they measured me, but with all the chaos over the last 2 days, I probably did not notice a lot of things they were doing to me.

Nate then slipped some kind of soft material with handles under me and attached me to a machine. Again, I find myself begin to panic as I watch this machine lift my mostly limp body up off the bed.

“I’ve got you man”, Nate assures me.

Luckily for me, Nate is obviously some kind of expert at this, and quickly gets me adjusted into a wheelchair.

The chair is leaned back, to keep weight off my spine Nate tells me, and my legs and arms placed on top of padded leg and arm rests.

“You ready?“, he asks me as he pushes me out of my room.

This is the first time I have seen anything other than my room. Well except for when I was wheeled into this place and did not know what the heck was going on.

I expected to see a plain white hallway with rooms on both sides like a hospital. Surprisingly, this place is not like that at all. It is open with high ceilings and wood beams throughout, as if this place were meant for the country and not the city of Boston.

Nate pushes me a little further down the hall and we pass by a large room with matts on the floor, parallel bars, a large padded table or bed, I don’t really know. I scan the room a little more and find Charlotte. She has her hands on some guys hips. He looks like he is in his late 20′s maybe, braces are attached to both of his legs and he is using his arms to hold himself up with metal crutches. Charlotte must be guiding him or making sure he does not fall as they both walk slowly in sync across the room.

We get around the corner and enter an oversized room with couches, recliners and a giant TV that takes up an entire wall, complete with surround sound.

“Here is the lounge”, Nate exclaims.

Mark and Emma are in the far end of the room and abruptly stop whatever conversation they were having as soon as I enter.

Mum rushes over to me, “Hi son, how are you doing?“, she asks me while planting a kiss on my forehead.

“Hey son”, my dad nods to me.

“Hey”, is all I say and give them a smile.

Mark confidently strides over to me, “Alright? Mate! How was your night? Are they treating you well?“, he asks me.

“Yeah, yeah of course”, I assure him.

“Let’s get on with this tour then”, Mark adds as he glances towards Nate.

Emma slowly walks over to me and I hold out my right hand to her, hoping she will gladly accept it.

Relief sweeps over me as Emma takes my hand in hers and we all head out of the room together.

Nate continues to lead us around the building, my mum pleased as we admire the pool and spa, a weight room, the expansive kitchen and eating area.

My thoughts were mostly focused on the nagging pain in my back until I realized that Emma was still walking by my side holding my hand.

“I love you”, I look up and whisper to her.

She looks at me briefly and slightly smiles, “I love you too”.

“How about you and I have lunch together in the courtyard and we can enjoy the views of the bay”, I ask her softly.

She quickly releases my hand and starts looking towards my parents. “Um…I..I would love to, but your mum really wants to help you with your lunch today, but maybe dinner?“, she responds, keeping her eyes from meeting mine. As soon as we pass a restroom, she darts over and says, “I’ll be right back”.

Without a moment to process what just happened, Mark is walking next to me.

“Hey mate, this place is fantastic! looks like you’ll have everything you need here to get you on your feet again”, he cheerfully states. “I’m leaving tomorrow, I have a lot of things to take care of back home with the movie, but I will fly back here Saturday ok?“, Mark adds.

“Yeah, yeah, sure, do whatever you need to do, I’ve messed things up quite a bit I’m sure”, I apologetically say to him. “Thanks for taking care of everything”, I add.

“You ok I head out?“, Mark asks me. “I have about 100 phone calls to make, I will see you in five days, but call if you need anything”, he places a firm hand on my shoulder before saying his goodbyes to Nate and my parents.

What the fuck! Emma has disappeared into the restroom and Mark took off on me and did not even wait to say bye to Emma. I still have my parents here eagerly following Nate around, so I have not scared them away yet, but I’m sure I will soon.

I would rather be alone to sulk and this chair is really making my back ache now. I am about to ask to be brought back to my room when Charlotte pops out of the gym and into the hall in front of us.

My sour mood immediately taken back by the sight of Charlotte. Her long hair is pulled back into a ponytail. She is wearing a tight-fitting tank top, revealing her slender but toned arms. Her skin is shiny and small beads of sweat have formed above her brows. Was she just working out I ask myself?

She answers my thoughts, “Hey everyone”, her multi-color eyes are bright as she turns her attention towards me.

“I told you I’d see you again before lunch”, she smiles at me.

Emma finally reappears from the restroom to join us, staring at Charlotte just as perplexed as I was.

Charlotte looks at everyone again and begins to explain herself, “I just fit in a quick work out, so I’m going to have Sarah bring your lunch out to the patio for you all to enjoy while I go take a shower”.

“Levi, I will come find you after lunch so we can get going on afternoon therapy”, she gladly says to me before Nate whisks us around towards the direction of the patio.

“Are you feeling ok?“, I ask Emma as I reach for her hand.

“I’m fine, let us go eat”, she replies and places her hand in mine.

Everyone is quiet during lunch, except my mum of course who is trying to help me eat, and repeatedly asks for Nate’s guidance to assure she is doing it right.

The patio wraps around half the building and overlooks the Boston Harbor. The view gives me a beautiful and peaceful distraction.

After lunch everyone follows me back to my room and silently watches as Nate uses the machine to lift me from my chair and place me in bed. Nate removes my back brace and makes sure my body is positioned correctly in bed. I avoid making eye contact with anyone, I am afraid to find out what their faces will tell me. My parents let me know they will be back for dinner, then head out of the room with Nate.

Emma sits on the chair next to my bed. Now is my chance to talk with her. She has been acting strange towards me all day.

13: Alone

Levi’s POV

Emma and I are momentarily alone in my room now. It is the perfect time to ask her what the hell is wrong with her today.

“Is everything alright? You are acting strange today”, I ask her.

She looks at me, her lips pressed together in a firm straight line, eyes piercing through me, “No I’m not alright, none of this is alright”, she states, finger pointing around the room. “This is too much for me”, she adds.

“Too much for you…Too much for you? I angrily repeat back.

My body tenses up and I want to grab hold and shake some sense into her. She is not the one lying useless in this fucking bed while someone must feed me and wipe my ass.

“What about me?“, I growl back at her, anxious to hear what she has to say, but she just puts her head down and sits there in silence.

“What were you and Mark talking about in the lounge this morning”, I try and change the subject a little.

She looks up at me surprised and rushes out her response.

“We were talking about finishing the movie and how much I have to do back home. He said I can stay here longer, but I have so much to do, I cannot put it all on hold. I’m…I’m …going back tomorrow”, the last part hits me like a freight train as her words slowly roll off her tongue.

She is really going back with Mark tomorrow. It has only been a few days and she is going to leave me here alone. I don’t believe this.

“When will you be back?“, I quietly ask her.

Tears now rolling down her cheeks, “Next weekend”, she insists.

I am angry and hurt mostly, but if this is my last day with her for a while, I must do something to make sure she knows I love her and that she loves me.

“Go lock the door”, I instruct her.

“What?” she looks at me confused.

“Go lock the door, then come back here”, and she does what I say.

“Now come here on the bed with me”, I pat the bed with my right hand.

She hesitates for a moment before sitting on the bed next to me. I tell her to press the button on the bed to sit me up further and she follows my instructions. She looks at me, tears slowly running down her beautiful face. I reach up and cradle her cheek in the palm of my hand, using my thumb to catch her tears and say, “Kiss me”.

She leans towards me and I softly press my lips onto hers, capturing her gentle moan with my mouth, I force my tongue to meet hers. I feel my body ignite as her tongue caresses with mine. I take a deep breath and continue pressing my lips harder to hers.

She pulls her mouth away from mine and slowly trails her lips along the crease of my neck, sucking at the sensitive skin at the top of my collar bone. My right hand moves carefully under her shirt and rests on her hip. Quiet gasps release from her mouth.

“You want this, it’s what we needed”, I groan. My head tilting back into the pillow while she kisses me.

Fuck! I just want to grab both her hips and pull her on top of me, but I know I can’t.

She unconsciously starts to slide her hands down to my sweatpants, and just as she begins to slip her fingers under the waistband, I reach my hand down to stop her.

“Emma”, I whisper loudly.

Her hand freezes and she pull her mouth away from my neck and looks up at me bewildered. For a moment she stays silent, her eyes instantly turn from passion to pity and she climbs off my bed.

“Shit! Sorry”, I immediately blurt out.

I grab her hand knowing all too well what she is probably thinking right now, and gaze into her eyes.

“I just wanted to kiss you”, I say softly. My voice pleading, “I’m going to miss seeing you every day”.

She takes my hand in hers, our eyes still locked. I want her to still feel a craving for me, but the look in her eyes is confirming my worst fear…. regret!

“I love you Emma”, I choke. I can feel the water begin to fill my eyes.

“I love you too”, she says and then leans over and kisses my forehead.

“I’m sorry I have to leave, but I will call you every day”, she tells me.

“You better”, I press. “And we will see each other next weekend, things will be better” I promise her. She turns and walks out the door, leaving me here in this place, Alone.

14: Feeling Bad

Charlotte’s POV

As I approach Levi’s room, I catch Emma hastily walking out, tears streaming down her face.

“What’s wrong Emma”, I ask her.

“Nothing”, she lies. “I have to get back to London, I have so much to take care of, I… I… Just can’t be here”, she sighs, lowering her head.

“Emma, look at me”, I calmly demand.

She hesitantly raises her eyes towards me. I understand the look on her face. She is ashamed and confused. He is no longer the same man she fell in love with, not physically anyway, and now she is left to fight this battle inside her. All I can do is remind her that this is just one of the obstacles that they will both overcome with time.

She cannot leave him now, not like this. I know what happened is a shock to everyone, but what kind of person leaves their fiancé alone here after only two days? Yes, I have seen couples break up because they find they can’t handle the situation, but that is only after trying to give it some time, trying to make it work. Emma wanting to leave already is cruel.

I look directly at her and hope my next words sink in, “That is still Levi in there”.

She looks down at the floor again then back up at me as I continue. “I know it is terrifying seeing him like this, but each week will get better, he will get stronger. He is still the same person”.

Her mood swiftly changes, my words offended her somehow.

“No, he is NOT the same person!“, she fires back at me.

I’m in shock by her response, her voice is harsh, and she rushes the words out, “He is not the same! He can’t do anything on his own, he can’t even eat or go to the bathroom! I don’t want to do that for him, he’s supposed to be the one taking care of me!“, she cries. “He’s always been the one doing things for me, I don’t know how to take care of anyone!”

She takes a deep breath then lets out a long sigh and calmly says, “I’m sorry, I know I look like a bad person, but I just need some time”.

I do my best to reassure her, “Emma, you’re not a bad person. Take the time you need, but please promise you’ll come back and see him and give yourselves one more chance before you make up your mind”.

“Okay, I will”, she promises and heads out the door.

I contemplated whether I should give Levi some time to himself before bombarding him with therapy but decided it might be better to just keep things going, keep him distracted.

I knock on his door before slowly entering his room. He keeps his attention towards the window when I greet him. He stays quiet as I explain to him that I will be doing his massage therapy now. I decide to start with his left side, since he is content with staring out the window.

I start with his shoulder and upper arm, struggling a little as my small fingers have a hard time grasping around his perfectly defined muscles. His arm flinches a bit as I manipulate his elbow then his wrist, carefully massaging into every pressure point. I do not bother trying to strike up a conversation because I know it is better to leave him in his own thoughts right now. I go about massaging his hand and fingers and suddenly pause when I feel him slightly squeeze my hand, not willing to let it go. I wait for a moment, then he turns his head to look at me.

My thoughts now focused on his perfect face. I haven’t really looked at him until now. His eyes are watery and blood shot, but the brilliant blue of his irises penetrate through me and my heart breaks for him.

Emma clearly portrays herself as a stereo-typical entitled, rich movie star who refuses to be burned by anything and expects everything to go her way. What in the world does Levi see in her? Is it because they are both movie stars and those are the people they need to date? I do not understand their world. Levi doesn’t seem like he fits that description though. He is understandably angry right now, but he also seems kind and appreciative. So far, he has not been demanding or imperious, he has only been sincere. I feel so bad for him that his girl has left him here like this.

With pure sadness in his voice he asks, “Do you think she’ll come back to me?”

I squeeze his hand back with both of my hands and give him an encouraging smile, “I hope so”, I tell him.

He turns back towards the window and I finish his left side. He lets me turn on some music. I know we are not going to talk much so it’s nice to have a little background noise. I move to his right side and continue moving and massaging his arm. My gaze is drawn to him again and I can see his eyes have dried up now as he shifts his stare from the window to me. His bright blue-green eyes now wary, as he studies my face.

Earth to Charlie, I say to myself, blinking quickly, and forcing myself to look away. I break the silence by going to the corner of the room to grab a small machine.

“This is a nerve stimulator”, I explain to him, showing him what all the wires are for.

“I’m going to attach these wires to your arms and legs and the machine will send out impulses” I tell him.

“We’ve got about an hour until dinner, so I will leave this on and come back before its time to eat”.

“What? No! Wait!“, he nervously says.

I look back at him with curiosity when he speaks for the first time after not communicating for the last hour.

“Can… can you please stay …I don’t want to be alone”, he slowly asks.

Of course, I can stay I let him know. We spend the next hour trying to find a program to watch on the TV. We still do not talk, but I realize he just needs someone here with him. I know what stage is next for him, and I will do whatever I can to help him get through it.

Thankfully, his parents arrive in time to help him with dinner. I need to catch up with a few of my other patients this evening. I know Nate and Sarah will occupy his time and he needs a shower, so plenty to do, he will not be alone I happily convince myself.

15: Here For Me

Levi’s POV

The next two weeks went by slow. I am still not able to put pressure on my spine, so therapy was consistently the same. Massage, manipulate, leg machine, stimulator, practice eating…

My parents have stayed and ate breakfast and dinner with me every day, and I enjoyed their company. I sent them away during the middle of the day so they can tour around Boston and have some time to themselves. I tried letting them help with therapy treatments, but that did not work out so well for any of us, so we just stuck with helping with meals.

I really focused on getting my left arm moving, I wanted to surprise Emma and show her that I was getting better, moving more before she came to visit.

Mark came during his promised weekend visit. He stayed for two days, asked a million questions, and made sure everyone was doing their jobs here. He said the movie had more setbacks and Emma was needing to stay in London for a while longer before flying out here again.

Emma has called me every night like she said she would, but I wanted her here with me, being the one to cheer me on when I finally lifted my left arm up off the bed, or when I grabbed the big mug and was able to drink from it myself. I felt hurt that she wasn’t here to see my small accomplishments, things I worked hard on for her. Our phone conversations became less pleasant, and each day that she was not here with me made me angry. She again promised that next weekend she would visit, so I am going to hold on to that promise and focus on getting my legs to move a little more before she sees me.

It is now Sunday night and my parents are here with me again for dinner. They look tired and worried for me of course. I know this is hard on them, seeing their only son paralyzed. They have been here supporting me, but I know Boston hotels are expensive and they need a break from seeing me like this.

“Mum, Dad”, I start talking. “I Love you both and I’m grateful that you’ve been here this whole time, but it’s ok for you to go back home for a while”, I say to them.

My mum looks up at me with concern written all over her face.

“I will be alright mum! You can come back and visit in a few weeks”, I try and convince her.

“I think that’s a good idea son”, my Dad adds. “How about we come back every month for a long weekend? Will that be ok? Will you be ok?“, he asks.

I agree with my dad and spend the next half hour settling my mum down, I know she is not keen on this new idea.

“Shower time!“, overly joyous Sarah announces as she jets into my room holding a bunch of towels.

“Well, that’s our cue to get going son. We will see you in a few weeks then”, my Dad states. Both hug me goodbye and head back to the hotel.

“Do I really need a shower every day?“, I sourly protest to Sarah. “I don’t even do anything to work up a sweat”, I add, hoping to deter her from getting me in the shower.

“Levi, everyone showers every day and so should you”, she bubbly replies.

“Plus, this is so you don’t get any skin breakdowns from lying down so much”, she points at me in my bed.

“Fine”, I growl.

Sarah is so happy and smiling all the time, I like giving her a hard time.

The process of using the Hoyer lift to get me from the bed to the shower chair is such a hassle. Sarah first must undress me and cover me with towels while she transfers me. My useless legs dangle from the shower chair and she has to put a strap around my body, so I do not fall out of the chair when she pushes me into the shower. This whole thing is embarrassing.

The first three times she gave me a shower was so uncomfortable and awkward. She talked annoyingly way too much and having my totally naked body exposed to her while she cleansed my skin with a washcloth, tore away any once of pride I had left for myself.

I must admit though, after going through this a few times now I do not find her nearly annoying anymore. Her constant cheerful chatter distracts me, and I even find myself laughing with her sometimes. The hot water against my tense muscles relaxes me, and I consider my nightly showers a form of calming therapy before I go to bed for the night, that and when Charlotte is with me are the only moments I don’t feel like having a panic attack.

I don’t know what it is about Charlotte. She willingly stays with me when my anger is out of control and when I make it hard for everyone else to handle, she is always here when I need her. Maybe it’s just that I miss Emma, or maybe it’s just because Charlotte chooses to be here, and Emma does not.

16: Some Independence

Levi’s POV

“Morning Levi”, a hand tapping on my shoulder wakes me up. Charlotte is here with my breakfast.

” You slept in this morning!“, she smiles while sitting my bed up.

“Shit! Sorry!… I didn’t mean to”, I tell her.

Why did I sleep so late, I like to be dressed and my teeth brushed before she comes in. I am sure she does not care about what I look like, but I do. Especially in front of her.

I notice she is not wearing her signature tank top look today. She has got a light pink t-shirt on and tight-fitting grey sweatpants. Her dirty blonde hair is up on top of her head in a messy bun, it’s cute!

She notices I am a little upset,

” It’s no problem Levi, really! Plus, this is a big week for you so I’m happy you got some extra sleep”.

Charlotte starts setting my tray up in front of me while I am still in bed. Lately I have been up in my chair already for breakfast because it is easier for me to feed myself.

“A big week for me?“, I curiously ask her.

I can’t seem to get my hand to grab any of the food, usually Nate has done the massage therapy before getting me up. Charlotte starts massaging my arm and hand, focusing on my fingers, and helping me grasp my fork.

“Yes, it’s a big week”, she reminds me. ” You’re having an x-ray taken to make sure your fractures have healed enough, you’ll be custom fitted for your leg braces, and if all works out… we are going to get you practicing sitting up on your own!“.

She catches me staring off, “Is that ok?“, she looks at me, waiting for me to respond.

“Yeah, yeah, that sounds great”, I say with a little excitement in my voice.

I haven’t thought of sitting up on my own, I have only been able to lift my head, arms and mostly my right leg so far. My body has been lifted for me by the machine every time I am transferred out of bed or out of the chair, or to shower.

She squeezes my hand and smiles at me. I hadn’t noticed that my random thoughts caused my breathing to speed up.

” I’m going to have Nate come in and help you get dressed, then have the x-rays done”, she calmly says while squeezing my hand again, making sure I am ok before she leaves.

I am a little excited for this week, nervous as hell, but excited to start doing different things. The past three weeks have been slow, doing the same things every day, and I was starting to think I would never move forward.

After Nate got me dressed and the x-rays were taken, happy Sarah enters my room with a new wheelchair. She is so excited as she shows me that my new chair is electric. I can sit almost straight up in the chair now she tells me, and I can move my right hand enough now to maneuver myself around using the hand control.

This day just keeps on getting better and better, I think to myself.

I spend the rest of the day doing multiple therapy sessions and getting measured for my leg braces, but during my short down times, I am able to freely wheel around the place on my own. A little piece of independence has found its way back to me, and for the first time in three weeks I feel a hint of hope.

Charlotte helped me with dinner tonight and constantly praised me when I was able to feed myself with barely any help. I still need help grasping things, but Charlotte helped me understand how much of a big step this is for me, encouraging me to do more.

I cannot wait for Emma to see me this weekend. I am making progress now and I hope she will be just as excited for me as I am.

17: Always On My Mind

Charlotte’s POV

It’s already Thursday, this week is flying, I think to myself as I hurry into my facility. Nate catches me at the front door.

“Oh, thank god I caught you right away Nate”, dropping papers everywhere, I look like a mess. Nate helps me gather the papers from the floor and looks at me puzzled.

“I’m so sorry to spring this up last minute, I wasn’t planning on going earlier, but now I have to get to an all-day conference at Mass General”, I apologize to him, but go on, “Are you alright to cover everything here today? I’ve got Kelly coming in to do some PT with my other patients, if you can just focus on Levi today?”

Nate nods, ” Yes of course, what should we work on today?“, he asks me.

“Try getting him to lift the 2lb weights with his right arm, you can try his left, but don’t push it, we know he will just be discouraged”, I instruct.

“And get him moving his legs with his new braces on, I’m heading in there now to make sure they fit before I leave for the day”. Nate accepts and continues to where he was heading before he saw me.

I walk into Levi’s room with the new leg braces, “Morning!“, I greet him.

He is dressed but still in bed, which works out better for me.

“Look what I’ve brought”, I show him.

“Great”, he says back sarcastically while rolling his eyes.

“Oh, I know what you’re thinking”, I fire back.

“These things are amazing! We have all this new experimental technology to make these specifically for you”, I cheerfully say to him, and continue on…“They are so light, you will hardly feel them on, the material molds and can be adjusted to perfectly fit your legs and feet, the only hard parts are the thin hinges that lock your knees and ankles in place when we want to lock them”, I keep smiling at him, showing my enthusiasm about them.

I know he doesn’t believe me when he presses his lips into a firm line and just looks at me. So, I bring the braces over and start placing them on his legs.

He looks down at them and bends his right knee a little sliding his heel up and down the sheets.

“Hmm… I guess you’re right “, he chuckles.

I am relieved that they fit properly and decide to tell him I am leaving for the day and will not be back until tomorrow.

Panic takes over his face as he quickly looks up at me.

” Why?” he asks.

I tell him the reason and then assure him that Nate will be doing all his therapy treatments today and that I will see him in the morning.

He looks down at his braces again and quietly says, “Okay”.

The rest of this day is dragging on, this conference is so long, and I catch myself feeling worried about Levi instead of paying attention to the monotone lady speaking on the stage.

I call Nate during my break to check in on everything. He sounds annoyed when he tells me that Emma called Levi to say she was not visiting until Monday now, and that Levi has been in a non-cooperative mood since. I apologize and thank Nate at the same time and promise to be back there in the morning.

This is not going to be good… there goes any chance of me paying attention to anything taught at this conference today.

I call to check in one more time before I can get any sleep. Sarah answers and lets me know Levi was too angry to eat tonight and nearly all but refused his shower, but was in bed sleeping now.

Ok, I can deal with that I try and convince myself. Tomorrow is a big deal, we are going to finally get him sitting up on the side of his bed, no machine to help.

18: Panic

Levi’s POV

Anger… that is all I feel right now. I am angry with Emma for leaving me here alone, angry with myself for being so drunk that I stupidly walked into the middle of the road, angry I am here in this place and I am completely useless.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was so frustrated after Emma called me yesterday that I took it out on everyone who tried to help me. Charlotte wasn’t here to calm me down, and I want to feel guilty for being mad at her too, but I can’t shake this angry feeling boiling inside me.

I’m hungry, but I feel like I might be sick if I eat anything, and my head is throbbing… I think I’m going to lose it!

Where the hell is Nate? I should be up in my chair by now, I just want to wheel myself out of this place.

My body feels so tense, I’m agitated, and my limbs stiffen up every time I try to move them.

Nate and Sarah appear in my room without the Hoyer lift I notice. Great… what are they going to do to me now I wonder, I’m not in the mood for any of this, and Sarah is not in her normally chipper mood, she looks nervous… I don’t like it.

“We are going to get you to sit on the side of your bed for a bit this morning and then transfer you into your chair”, Nate assertively states.

” Where is the lift?“, I ask him

” No lift”, he replies

“What! No… no, I’m not ready for that”, I state harshly.

“Yes, you are ready, and we are going to help you “, he argues back.

My body once again goes rigid as they both grab a side of me to sit me up. My heart is ready to pounce out of my chest and I lose my breath when I feel Nate grab my legs and swing them over the side of the bed, Sarah guiding my upper body.

“Put me down!”, I frantically demand.

“Put me down now! I yell louder.

I don’t have any control of my upper body, it feels limp. I hate this sensation. Sarah is pressing one hand to my upper chest and one to my back trying to hold me straight. I will surely fall if she lets go. I am sitting on the side of my bed, but it doesn’t feel like it, and I’m terrified.

“Please lay me back down”, I plead.

My whole body is shaking uncontrollably now. I can’t breathe I try to tell them but can’t. I am having a full-blown panic attack.

All the sudden I feel someone get up onto my bed behind me.

“Levi”, a concerned voice speaks. …It’s Charlotte.

I am shaking so bad now, I can’t stop it, I can’t speak. Charlotte will lay me back down; I know she will.

But I’m wrong, she is not laying me back down… ugh! No one here is on my side, can’t they see I am terrified!

A second later, Charlotte’s touch sends an indescribable feeling throughout my body and I stop breathing. She is kneeling behind me pressing her body against my back then reaches over me to grab both of my arms with hers, firmly bringing them up to rest against my chest and gives me a bear hug.

“Just breathe”, she softly says, her face close to my ear…“Just breathe with me”.

Charlotte keeps a firm hold around me. I can smell the sweet scent of her vanilla shampoo, her face and hair touching my neck. My breathing returns and slows down to almost normal and she waits, her arms still wrapped around me until I stop shaking.

When she starts to release me from her hold, I almost start to panic again, but somehow, I remain calm.

” I’m going to help you sit up now”, she says softly.

“No! please”, I beg her, feeling completely vulnerable now and I have actual tears pouring down my cheeks.

” Don’t panic, please! I’ve got you, I promise”, she quietly adds while wiping my tears with her fingers.

She slowly brings herself to the side of me while lifting my left arm and placing it around the back of her neck and sits beside me. Her right arm is around my mid back holding me up while her left hand is on my chest, and we just sit there.

Nate and Sarah have not said a word during this whole ordeal. They’re just staring at Charlotte and I, mouths hanging open like their jaws might hit the floor.

“It’s ok guys, I’ve got this”, Charlotte says to them. Then tells them she will call them if we need anything.

She sits with me holding me steady on the edge of the bed for a while, letting me stay silent. I cannot help but look at her, her multi-color eyes, her face, so pure. The way she looks back at me makes me believe that she genuinely cares about me. But she can’t really, this is her job, right? I think to myself.

Nate left my chair and what Charlotte calls a sliding board close to my bed. She slowly gets up, bringing my arms to grasp both of her shoulders as she stands in front of me.

“I’ve got you”, she reminds me and places her arms under my arm pits and wraps them around my upper back.

I wrap my arms around the back of her neck, and she lifts me onto the slide board and guides me into my chair then adjusts my legs.

I don’t have the words to tell her how I feel right now. I appreciate everything she has done for me and I hope when she looks at me, she can see how thankful I am. Thankful that at this very moment I’m not going to panic.

” Emma isn’t coming again this weekend”, I manage to speak.

“I know, I’m sorry” she says back, acknowledging my hurt.

She grabs my hand and says, ” I’ll tell you what… how about we spend this weekend working on your core and your arm strength, so that if Emma shows up on Monday you can show her how you can sit up, along with all of your other accomplishments so far?”

” That sounds great!” I tell her. ” Thank you, Charlotte”.

19: Unwanted

Levi’s POV

Charlotte kept me busy all weekend with therapy. I can completely control my right arm movements, so Charlotte focused on helping me gain enough strength in my arm so that I’m able to support some of my body weight or shift my body when I sit up. Plus, if Emma really shows up today, I want to be able to feed myself without her worrying that she needs to help me.

My left arm is another story. I can move it around but when I try to grab hold of something or use my arm to push anything, it just gives out on me.

I got into the pool for the first time this weekend, which was a nerve wracking and calming experience at the same time. It wasn’t to swim or anything like that. There is a wide swim out in the deep end where the water comes up to my chest when I sit in it. Charlotte was right when she figured that the buoyancy of the water would make it easier for me to learn how to balance myself upright.

I am surprised and relieved when Emma finally calls me to tell me she’s landed in Boston. Nate finished up my morning therapy and helped me get into jeans and a light blue t-shirt. I actually managed to style my hair too. I know I shouldn’t have to, but I feel like I am back to the stage where I need to impress Emma all over again.

Charlotte agreed to let me take the rest of the day off from therapy as long as I promised to work extra hard tomorrow.

I decide to wait in the lobby for Emma to arrive. I can’t help but smile when she walks through the door covering her face from the small swarm of photographers hoping to steal a picture of her… or me.

“Levi!” she squeaks, either surprised or happy, I can’t really tell by her expression, but I hope it’s happy.

“Hey baby! I say back, holding out my hand for her.

She walks over and accepts my hand. I pull her towards me and plant a kiss on her cheek.

I feel a little nervous and start rambling off questions without giving her time to answer, “How was your flight? Are you hungry? Do you want some coffee or tea?”

Not sure she was listening to me because she was just standing in front of me examining me up and down and then staring at my chair.

“Emma”, I call out her name, so she looks at my face.

” Yes, some coffee would be great”, she says.

I lead her outside to the patio. It’s a beautiful day and we can drink our coffee and enjoy the view of the sailboats on the water instead of her focusing her thoughts on my wheelchair.

She smiles while we sit together silently drinking our coffee, neither having the courage to speak first.

Surprisingly, she grabs my hand from across the small table, ” You look great”, she says, and courageously keeps going…

” You’ve told me all you’ve done here so far, but it’s nice to see it in person”.

” Yes, it is nice to see it in person”, I politely remind her while biting my tongue so she can’t hear my annoyance.

I want to tell her that she should have been here in person this whole time.

Changing the subject, I maneuver my wheelchair around to her, still holding her hand and ask her to come for a walk with me. I’m appreciating every moment of her pleasant mood while she follows me to the small garden area. I bring her to a cushioned iron framed love seat among the flowers.

” We should sit here and talk for a while”, I point to the love seat.

Her eyes glance at the love seat then back to my wheelchair. She lets go of my hand and says, ” I need to go freshen up first, is that ok? I will be right back”.

Nodding to her, I ask her to tell Nate to come see me on her way back inside.

Thankfully, Nate quickly comes out to me and I have him help me sit onto the love seat. I know why Emma scurried away; she was looking at me in my wheelchair wondering how to get me onto this bench. So, I wanted Nate to help me before she realized she would have had to pick me up and move my legs for me to sit up properly.

I know she misses me being the one to take care of her, now the roles are reversed, and she doesn’t enjoy it, I can see it in her face… the conflict she’s feeling inside her. I want it to be love that I see in her eyes when she looks at me… and desire to be here for me helping me get through all of this. I would be here if it were her in this chair.

Emma returned after a few minutes. I smiled when she looked at me, amazement in her wide eyes and happily took a seat next to me.

She disclosed herself to me and started talking about our film and how it was wrapping up, maybe completely finished in a month or two. With slight hesitation, she informed me that Liam has stepped up into a more leading roll with her when the director had to make a few changes in my absence.

That made me frown. So, she quickly decided to tell me about the gala they were having in October in honor of the film’s completion, and that she wanted me there for it. I was a bit stunned when she said everyone is looking forward to me attending.

” Yeah! I should be able to make it to that”, I impulsively agree.

It’s getting a little colder out, I notice her rubbing the goose bumps forming on her arms and suggest we eat lunch on the patio near the fire pit.

She stands up and begins to walk towards the patio until she realizes I am still sitting on the bench. She walks back to me, staring at me waiting to see how I’m going to get into my wheelchair.

” Can you help me transfer?” I softly ask her.

“Yes, sure”, apprehensively agreeing then starts walking to stand in front of me.

I place the slide board on my chair and the edge of the bench next to me.

” I’m going to hold onto the back of your neck so you can grab under my arms and lift me up, then slide me into my chair”, I instruct.

She nods, her eyes unsure and places her arms around me. I slide into my chair and get my right leg onto the leg rest. She catches on as I struggle to use my right arm to adjust my left leg and reaches down to move it for me.

Shit … this was a bad idea; I should’ve just stayed in my wheelchair and avoided this situation. My left arm doesn’t help me any and I’m sure I still look useless to her.

We head up to the patio in silence. This time I stay in my chair when we get to the small table by the fire pit. Sarah brings out our meals and quickly leaves us alone again.

I can’t stand this awkward silence between us, so I gather all the courage I have left inside me to talk to her about what I fear she might say, but I need to hear it.

“Talk to me Emma… Please! I nearly beg.

” I need to know what you’re thinking… What you’re feeling.”

She grabs both of my hands in hers and looks down and I wait for what feels like hours before she looks up at me.

” I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to come back here Levi, I wanted to, but I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel or what I was supposed to do”.

Looking at me while she continues, her blue eyes wary, liquid filling them now.

” I had so much to do back home, finish my scenes, accepting a new role for a new movie”.

I look straight at her, fear and hurt take over when I begin to anticipate what comes next. Her next words are more of a whisper and a tear rolls down her check as she looks away from me.

” I only came to Boston today because I’m catching a plane to Los Angeles tonight to start filming.”

” Please Emma!“, I plead…” I Love you”, I tell her.

She stands up and walks over to me. ” I love you too Levi, but we can’t be together, I can’t be here for you like you need me to be”.

I feel the all too familiar feeling of panic building up as she leans over and kisses me goodbye.

I turn my chair to face the bay and just stare out onto the water. My body is shaking and I’m crying.

I stay out watching the sun disappear from the horizon. I am utterly alone.

Not unloved, she reminded me…. just Unwanted.

20: Life is Unfair

Charlotte’s POV

I frequently glance out the window towards Levi. He’s been sitting out there alone for a few hours now, refusing Sarah’s and Nates offers to bring him back to his room. My heart aches for him and I let him be alone for a while longer. I figured he would refuse dinner too. Life is so unfair sometimes.

I am worried that it is getting too cold out, so I take a chance and quietly approach him. He doesn’t speak or look at me, but he does not refuse me either when I grab his left hand and hold it in mine. I pull him slightly, persuading him to control his wheelchair to follow me inside.

Once in his room, I head to the bathroom to turn on the shower.

” You don’t have to”, he quietly tells me.

He needs a hot shower, that will help him. He’s already refused any help from Sarah and Nate tonight, so I gently get him undressed, cover him up with a towel and transfer him to the shower chair. I haven’t done any of this with him before, but he is not putting up a fight, and lets me continue.

After his shower he lets me help him get dressed in a t-shirt and cotton shorts and into bed. He refrains from speaking the entire time until I sit beside him. I want to let him know he is not alone; I am here for him…

” I’m sorry”, I tell him. ” Do you want to talk”, I ask.

He shakes his head no and says in the saddest tone, ” Thank you though”.

The next two weeks took a downwards spiral. Levi’s moods swiftly changed from hurt to anger then resentment, heading him straight into depression.

He fights with Nate every morning, refusing to get dressed or eat on most days.

I hear Levi yelling at him from his room. Nate meets me in the hall and says, ” He’s getting worse every day, this isn’t good, and Sarah is scared to go in there now”.

” I know that what he’s going through is part of it, and I will keep at him, but I don’t know if Sarah will be able to handle much more”, Nate informs me.

“I know, I’m sorry Nate and I really appreciate everything you’re doing, I will talk to Sarah”, I let him know.

” I will take over all of his therapy sessions this week. He doesn’t speak to me, but he does let me do what I need to do with him without yelling at me. Do you mind taking over sessions with my other patients for now?” I ask Nate.

Nate gladly agrees before I head over to talk with Sarah.

The rest of the week is a struggle to say the least. I managed to get Levi into the pool for therapy before lunch every day. I had him sit in the swim out and kept him away from the wall so that he had no choice but to use his muscles to balance himself and sit on his own. I was right next to him of course so he wouldn’t fall in.

Every therapy session I changed it up, using the weight room, massage treatments, and different core muscle workouts. He needs to get control of his upper body before I can get him standing, so without him realizing my goal for him, I stayed persistent with every session even when he tried to protest. I wanted him to realize that I am going to be here for him every step of the way.

He did not say a word to me the entire week, so I thought of random things to talk about. I talked more about myself and how my sister who was paralyzed at age fifteen gave me the inspiration to open this place and how she is about to have her third child. I could tell Levi was interested in my story by the way he paused to look at me, even though he never engaged in the conversation.

By the time Friday came I was exhausted. I have only gone home for about six hours of sleep a night. I was here working with Levi every minute of the day, trying to distract him, and praying he would come out of the depression he was in.

He was in his chair staring out the window when I went to check on him this morning. Nate told me he didn’t sleep all night and refused breakfast this morning.

“Please leave me alone today Charlotte”, he quietly pleaded with me when I entered his room.

When I didn’t move, he tried one more time.

” Please go away, I’m not participating in therapy even if you try to make me”, he says.

“Fine, I will give you the morning off, but I at least want you to eat some lunch before I come back this afternoon”, I try and compromise with him.

He just nods back and then I let him be. I have so much catching up to do with my other patients, and this gives me a chance to do that.

Lunch time arrives before I have time to catch up on everything and I make my way to Levi’s room. He is going to eat lunch even if I must force him.

He isn’t anywhere in his room or in his bathroom when I get there. Where could he be? I just came from the patio so he’s not out there or in the garden, I didn’t see him in the lounge when I just passed by and I doubt he’s in the gym on his own, but maybe!

I step out into the hall, ready to make my way to the gym and see the pool door closing on its own. Who is using the pool I wonder; everyone is eating lunch right now?

Suddenly I feel sick, I have this horrible feeling in my gut, and without thinking too much, I run down the hall to the pool and yell for Nate as I get to the door.

I rush inside and find Levi’s chair empty and at the edge of the pool.

“Oh my God!“, I yell out.

Levi is towards the bottom of the deep end, just floating down, he is not even trying to swim, and overwhelming fear takes over me as I realize what he is trying to do.

I dive in after him, grabbing him under his arms and swimming him back up. I drag him up to sit on the swim out and lean him back against the side, waiting with him there until he stops coughing.

Nate rushes in and looks at me, horrified. Flashbacks of when he couldn’t save his best friend probably racing through his mind. He pauses by the pool until I instruct him to leave and get us some towels.

I stay quiet for a moment longer, observing Levi. He’s done coughing, his head is down, a mix of real tears and pool water is streaming down his face.

I am so upset with him… but more upset with myself really. How did I not see this coming; the signs were there, and I didn’t see them? He was different this morning, he said more words to me than he had in the last two weeks, even if his words consisted of him telling me to leave him alone. I am such an idiot.

I didn’t know what to do, so I hugged him. When he didn’t respond, I let go and put my hand under his chin to lift his face.

“Look at me Levi”, I calmly demand.

He looks at me, his once bright blue-green eyes now burdened with despair that it shatters my heart in a million pieces.

He tries to look down again but this time I place both my hands on either side of his face and force him to look at me.

I hold my gaze with his and speak in the most meaningful tone I can and slowly say,

“You are not alone in this”.

Still looking straight into his eyes, I emphasize even more slowly,

“I… will… Never… give up on you, so you can … never… give up on yourself”.

“Promise me”, I say more demanding this time.

Levi closes his eyes for a moment then opens them, “I promise”, he softly replies.

Nate hurries back with towels and I get him to take Levi back to his room to help him into some dry clothes.

As soon as they both leave the pool area, I break down crying.