11 Pick Kitty up…

⎈

Mishka

Pick Kitty up from school today. Kay? — Trisha.

I stand at a corner in the parking lot. It’s after four, and I see no sign of Kitara.

I didn’t want to have to go inside of the school. I have homework to do when I get home. I want to keep my grades up. I don’t do so bad at school, but I’m not an A student either. It gets hard trying to manage everything.

Sighing, I stuff my hands in my sweater and cross the street, lifting my hand to fix my hood on my head.

I stroll through the gate, anger in my every step. I’ve been feeling short-tempered lately. Getting upset for the simplest of things. I think I’m reaching my quota.

I scan the school yard as I walk, searching for her lime-green top and pink, torn up tights. I don’t know where she is.

“Hey! Kitara’s mummy!” A kid says, and I look behind me.

A little girl stands there, holding a lollipop. She looks like my sister’s age:

“Where’s Kitara?” I ask, almost pleasantly.

“With Brian.” She says.

“Who’s Brian?”

“Our class monitor. She’s over there!” The girl points, and I squint my eyes in the pale sunlight.

There are some trailer parks cramped together, looking almost like the ones in our neighbourhood but sprayed with playful pink and yellow paint.

“Thanks…” I make my way to the herd of trailers, looking between each one of them.

When I get to the third one, there’s my sister.

Leaned up against the wall with Brian’s hands on her waist. The kid looks like he’s about to kiss her.

“Kitara!” I yell.

She opens her eyes wide and jerks away from the boy.

The kid looks frightened. “She had my toy and wouldn’t give it back!”

“But he wanted to grope me, so I told him he has to give me the toy first!” Kitara counters, and my heart breaks.

My nostrils flare and I stomp over, grabbing her hand and pulling her along the dirty ground.

“Ah, stop pulling me, Mishka! Your nails hurt!”

I realise, she’s clutching a toy truck, and I rip it from her hands and walk back, giving it to the boy.

“Thanks, Miss…” He says.

“Mishka, no! It’s mine now!” Kitara almost screams. “It’s mine! It’s mine!”

“Stop it! I’m telling Mum what you’ve been doing!” My eyes water. “Allowing boys to touch you for their stuff!”

“Shut up! I’m not!”

Kids and parents watch as I practically drag her through the school yard.

“Let me go, you bitch!” She screams, and I almost stagger, looking back at her with hurt.

She glares at me as I turn my head around and keep pulling her.

“Let go! Let go!” She holds herself back until her knees hit the ground. In anger, I keep hauling her, her legs dragging along the dirt track.

She starts crying and screaming. “Let go of me! Let go, you bitch! You whore!”

Tears slip down my cheeks, and I get weak, releasing her and squatting to the ground. I allow the cries to leave my cracked lips, burying my head on my arms.

Kitara huffs and wipes her tights off as she sits on the ground.

“Kitty? Don’t stress your sister like that, don’t you see she’s tired?” A lady says, her skirt blowing in the wind. She smells like candies and infirmary.

I wipe my eyes, peeking out from behind my arm.

“Look how you made her cry.”

“I told her to stop pulling me!” Kitara says, and the lady sighs.

“Okay, Kitty, okay. Get up.” She helps my sister to stand, and then she pats my back.

“It’s okay, sweetie. Kids can be like that. Don’t cry, okay?”

I nod, pressing my eyes against my arm.

•

“She was leaning behind a trailer with a boy from her class!” I tell Trisha, who’s on the sofa, a hand pressed to her head.

“I was not!” My sister screams at me.

“Yes you were! You’re six! Six!”

“And you’re eighteen. Yet you can’t keep a man!” Kitara yells back.

My heart pops.

Mum purses her lips, like she wants to smile. I bring weak eyes to her, and she starts to laugh.

“I’m sorry, but that was funny. Even a little bit, yeah?”

“You’re training her to be just like you!” I yell. “And you’ll be sorry! You’ll be so sorry when you’re older and look back at what you’ve done!”

“What I’ve done? Baby, I’ve done nothing but all I could for you! For the both of you! So don’t go screaming at me!”

I glare at her angrily and turn away, making my way upstairs. I slam my room door.

“I’m at my wits end with you!” She bellows. “You wanna slam my door like an adult, then you better get your own house!”

I sit on my bed, wiping the tears as they roll down my cheeks.

Anger rushes through me in waves as she keeps talking.

“You think it’s easy?! Raising two girls? It ain’t fucking easy. Don’t you wonder where your lunch money for this entire week comes from? Well let me tell ’ya. Since you can’t keep your slimy hands off Rico’s friends, Sanford has been taking care of you! Of us!”

I close my eyes, my legs jerking.

“Yes, he has been! So if you wanna act like a woman, fuck for your own! And don’t wait on me to open my legs for you! When you can’t even frigging appreciate it!”

I get up, opening the door to my room and running downstairs.

Mom’s mouth opens to continue, but stops when she sees me. Something similar to fear in her wide, fiery eyes.

“Mom, can I get ice cream?” Kitara asks.

“Yes, baby…” She peers up at me as I dash out of the house.

•

I slam my fist against RJ’s room door. JR readily let me up, smiling softly when he saw me.

RJ’s not answering. So I slam my fist against it again. I’m about to do it a third time, when the door opens and my fist lands on his chest instead.

“Mish—”

He doesn’t finish before I’m landing fists after fists against his shirtless chest. He staggers backwards at each thump of my hands, but doesn’t stop me. We’re in his room now, and I fight against his torso as he tries to put his arms around me.

He hugs me tightly while I wriggle and squirm against him, tearing at his shirtless back with my nails, anger ripping from my throat with every part of me. Loud, gut-wrenching sob tears through my chest, sounding deeper than my original voice, and I can’t breathe.

I sob, pressing my face into his chest, his chain stuck between my eyes and nose. My body jerks as I cry.

“I’m sorry…” he whispers. “I’m so sorry…”

“I was so scared…” I whimper.

“I know. I’m so sorry…”

I hug him tightly as he presses his lips to my hair. My body relaxes against him.

“I’m so sorry…”

12 RJ lies on…

⎈

Mishka

RJ lies on his back, with my head against his chest, while his fingers run up and down my arm.

“I was scared. Scared I’d hurt you. Scared I did hurt you…” He breathes out. “Why didn’t you tell me it hurt? Did it?”

“It did. But it felt good…” I whisper. “I didn’t want it to stop…”

He looks down at me then slants his head to place his lips on mine. He breaks the kiss and stares me in the eyes. “You deserve gentleness. That’s what you deserve, Mishka…”

“I deserve you. You deserve me. We deserve each other…”

He gazes at me for a while before he leans up, and presses his face inside of his hands. “I don’t know…”

I sit up and tilt my head to the side. “You don’t know what?” I ask gently.

“I’ve never…” He swallows and looks over at me. “I’ve never had a girlfriend…”

My brows crease and smooth out again. “But there was…a pair of panties in your car.”

“Yeah. I’ve fucked girls. But…I’ve never been committed to anyone. I’ve never had a real relationship. What if I don’t know how to?”

“Rico wasn’t a real relationship either. More like a business deal…” My lips pull at the corner as I run my hand along his sheets. Blood isn’t on them anymore. He washed it, really clean. “I’ll teach you. We can teach each other…”

“Okay…” He smiles. “That sounds good…”

“Really?” I grin, biting on my lip.

His eyes dip there. “Really…”

I blush.

He leans in and latches his lips onto mine again. When our mouths break away, I reach out and place my hand on his jeans. RJ stares at me, eyes filled with lust. I slip my hand into his boxers and wrap my fingers around his length.

RJ sighs and closes his eyes.

“Is this okay?”

He nods and licks his lips. “Mm…” His throat bobs as I free him from his clothes.

His hooded-eyes position down, eyeing where my fingers are wrapped around his hard-on from under his lashes.

I tuck a lock of hair behind my ear and lean over, pressing my lips to his pink head.

He swallows, watching with squinted pupils as I cover him with my mouth.

“Bloody hell, Mishka…”

I bob up and down, and use my tongue along the underside of him. He swells inside of my throat, and I try to take more of him inside.

And then he quickly grabs my arm and lifts me up.

He positions me on my back on the bed and lowers himself between my legs.

I don’t know when or how, but our clothes are off. Cold air meets my nipples and other private places.

RJ slides himself down the bed, and positions his head between my knees. He reaches up and squeezes one of my breasts while his mouth lowers on me, taking me to places I’ve never been to before.

I sigh, shutting my eyes as his cold tongue swathes down my opening, and up again. My eyelids flutter open and I peer down, seeing him pulling that bud between his lips. I almost convulse.

“Hold your lips open…” He says, and I don’t think I understand.

“Mm?”

“Like this…” He uses two pairs of fingers to sink against my lower lips, pulling them in either direction.

“O-Okay…” I say softly, and place my fingers where his are.

He removes his hands and puts them on my red thighs again, spreading them farther apart.

I’ve never seen myself this open.

His fingertips sink into my skin, to the point it faintly aches, as he keeps me wide open. He laps his tongue against my sensitive nub, and I shut my eyes the tightest I’ve ever shut them.

He sucks my bundle of nerves like he’s scooping up noodles or something, and no one has ever done that to me before. My head dizzies and fogs, and I tremble through a wave of intense pleasure. I can’t keep my lower lips open and let them go, covering my face instead.

“I can’t get enough of you…” RJ whispers, lifting his head and licking his lips.

He positions himself over me and spreads my legs. And then he enters me, much gentler now than the first time. Pleasure zaps all over my body.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t gentle the first time…” he whispers as he slides in and then out of me.

I nod. “It’s okay…” I manage to say.

He kisses me on my cheek. “You’re so beautiful. You can never be ugly. You can never be stupid. I’m stupid…for saying those things to you…”

I shiver as he touches somewhere that sends a sweet feeling through my being. My legs become weak, and the world blurs.

He kisses me all over, plastering his lips against my sweaty body.

I close my eyes tightly. I won’t last long.

Before I know it, I’m quivering around him, sinking my nails into his back.

He comes shortly after, panting and stiffening, a small grunt passing through his lips.

I smile in satisfaction.

•

We’re sitting on the floor in the living room. JR is getting high, smoke surrounding him as he leans his head back against the sofa.

“I think about them every day, you know…” He says, staring up at the ceiling.

RJ and I sit across from him, against the longer sofa. RJ isn’t smoking. Me neither.

“It’s like a disease…” JR continues. “The guilt is a disease that eats away at my lungs. Faster than cigarettes could…” And he chuckles sadly.

Neither I nor RJ laugh.

JR sighs. “I want to get out of here. I want to be free.”

“You can be…” I say. “You can be whatever you want to be…”

He looks at me, then cracks a grin, propping his head back against the couch and bringing his cigarette to his mouth. He dangles his head and stares back at the ceiling. “You’re always so optimistic. No wonder I like ’ya…”

I smile a little.

RJ just stares at the ground, picking the threads from the stringy mat. He’s not saying anything.

I stay over their house—choosing to spend the night. They aren’t in their best moods. JR drinks and smokes himself tired then go to lock himself in his room.

RJ retires early. I offer we watch a movie, but he says he’s a little tired.

I understand and we go to his room to sleep. In bed, I cradle him from the back, hugging him close to me.

Although he’s tired, he isn’t sleeping. His wife-beater-covered body lifts and falls with his steady breaths.

But he’s sniffling, and another sniffle becomes a sob. Until he’s fully crying.

I just hug him, and don’t say anything.

Sometimes when there is nothing more to say, you can only offer your presence, your heart, and your love.

13 The next morning…

⎈

Mishka

The next morning, RJ drops me home.

“I miss you already…” He says, his mouth pulling at the sides.

“Me too…” I smile.

“Thanks for staying the night…I-I needed it…”

RJ doesn’t like appearing vulnerable, so for him to admit that, makes my heart swell.

“I’ll come again tonight.”

He smiles, nodding. “Yes, please. JR likes having you there too. He says the house feels like Layla is around again…”

I smile as he chuckles wetly.

“That’s a bit weird, huh?” RJ looks up then down again, looking so vulnerable I could cry.

I reach over and place my hand over where he’s fiddling with a thread poking out of his seat.

“It’ll be okay…” I promise him. “Don’t worry…”

“Thank you, Mishka.”

I smile and lean over to place a kiss on his lips.

“Later!” I grin and climb out of his car, closing his door. I make my way up the steps, and when I open the door and slide inside, I hear his car speeding away.

Mum’s on the couch again, smoking. Runny eyeliner lines the areas beneath her eyes. Has she been crying?

“Was that your lover?” She perches the cancer stick between her lips. “Should have told him to come say hi…” Her head dangles slightly, as though she’s amused.

I swallow. I’m in a good mood, and I won’t allow her to ruin it.

I continue on my way to get to my room.

“I loved Kitara. She understood us—what we had to do. What I had to do. She liked Sanford too. Yesterday he came by to get her ice cream. She climbed him like a tree, so excited, she was. You wouldn’t know, you weren’t here. You were probably fucking or going down on a cock at that very moment…” She taps her finger against the top side of her cigarette. “Now, I don’t judge that at all. Girl gotta do what she gotta do, right…”

Kitara has been warming up to Sanford. My little sister is easy to mend, to break in. She’d chant; Sanford! Sandford! whenever he comes over. Then he’d say: ugh, getting so big! And lift her up. All while looking at my legs…

“No hug for you too?” He asked me the last time, and I just glared at him and walked out of the kitchen.

Mom chuckles, pulling me from my head. “I guess his dick really is big, isn’t it?”

She thinks I’m like her. But I’m not like her.

“I like him. I maybe even love him.” I tell her.

And she laughs. “Love doesn’t exist. Opportunities do. Money does. Living and trying to get by, does. Life isn’t a fairytale. You’ll learn soon. At the rate you’re going at, you’ll learn very soon…”

“And that’s okay. I’ll have to teach myself. Since you’ve never properly taught me…” I say bitterly.

Trisha stares at me, and for a second, I see a flash of sadness or remorse. But then she smiles and sits up straight. She drops her cigarette on the table she is sitting in front of.

“Your lover should have dropped you earlier. You missed your sister’s departure…”

I stare at her, not knowing what she’s getting at. “What?”

She leans down and grabs some papers, tossing them at me. They bounce off my tummy and hit the floor.

She smiles smugly, reaching down for her cigarette and pressing the tip into the table. “Thank me later…”

Dubiously, I squat down and slowly take the binded papers off the floor. I stand up and skip through the document.

My eyes enlarge, immediately becoming moist. No, she didn’t. “Y-you gave Kitara away?”

“I didn’t give her away. I gave her to the Child Services. They’ll better take care of her.” She leans back, crossing her arms. “She’ll get a foster home. I told them to give her to a rich family. In the future, I’ll need help if men start to fail me even worse. A woman needs a pension plan.”

“How could you…” I choke, tears blurring my eyes. “H-How could you give my sister away?”

“Jealous? Don’t be.” She scoffs. “I’d have let them take you too. But you’re eighteen. Should be living on your own right now. One less worry for you, since you like to carry the world on your back. I mean, not like you have anything to worry about but penises and boys. You’re not making the money around here, but you always seem so stressed.” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath in. “Just relax your bones. Take a deep breath. Life can be beautiful, Mishka.”

“You devil!” I scream, tossing the papers back at her. “You’re a bitch! You’re the worst mother ever!”

She stands. “Oh, be quiet. Your sister was happy. She was skipping on her way to the van. She didn’t even tell me to say goodbye to you! Don’t you see? Your own sister would rather live with a stranger, than here with your consistent whining!”

I reach up and slap her hard across the face.

She gasps, cradling her cheek, and I breathe hard, my mouth cracking open as I look down at my hand.

“I-I’m so—”

Slap

Before I can get a word out, Trisha’s hand is flying against my face. Tears bubble over the edges of her eyes. “How dare you…” She breathes. “How dare you put your hand on me? How dare you?!”

I step back, holding my cheek as my nose burns.

“I’ll be damned if I allow you, that I pushed out of my god-forsaken womb to lay a hand on me! You’re a woman, now, aren’t you? You got broken in and now you’re a woman? Well then, two women will not live here! Get out of my house! Get out of my house!”

“Mum…” I whimper.

Trisha turns around and begins to take huge steps up the stairs.

I run after her. “Mum, please!”

“Out of my house! Out of my house!” She screams like a madwoman as she enters my room, flinging open my broken-down closet and dragging out my clothes. I try to pull them from her.

“Mum…”

“Get out! You can’t stay here! Not after what you’ve done! Get out! Get out!” She scoops up some of my clothes and jams them into my dusty suitcase. She zips it up and grabs it by the handle, her other hand ripping at my skin as she drags my hand. She pulls me towards the door while I press my feet on the ground, trying to pull back.

“Mum, please…”

“Get out!” She hauls me so hard, my arm feels like it’ll rip from its socket.

“Mum!” I cry as she drags me with her down the stairs. I almost fall down on my face. “Mum, stop!”

The door opens and Sanford comes inside. He places his hands on his waist, his eyes becoming alert as he watches Trisha hauling me downstairs.

“What’s going on?” He asks, opening his arms. “What are you doing to her?”

“She’s leaving my house, right now!” Mum shoves me forward, and I almost stumble into Sanford. He holds out his hands as if to catch me but I keep on my feet, crying when Mum throws my suitcase on the ground.

“Mum…”

“Get out! Now! I never wanna see your face ever again!”

“Why are you doing this to me?!” I scream.

“I’m fucking stressed. I just lost my damn baby girl and you’re here putting your fucking hand on me!”

“Baby girl?” Sanford scrunches his face, confused. “Where’s Kitara?”

At the mention of my sister’s name, I get angry again. “She gave her away!”

“You what?” Sanford asks.

Mum hardens her face and hauls up the suitcase, pushing the door open and tossing the bag onto the pavement. It clacks open and my clothes spill out onto the ground.

“Get out…” She pushes me on my shoulder, almost causing me to trip over my feet.

“Mum…”

“Get out. Never want to see your disgusting face again. Your sister is gone. You leave too!” She shoves me in my back and I stagger onto the porch steps.

She slams the door in my face.

I stare at it, tears sliding down my cheeks.

I can’t believe it…

I can’t believe she did this to me…

I walk down to my suitcase and pack my clothes back inside. I slip my fingers around the handle and haul

It with me to the gate.

The door opens behind me, and loud footsteps rush in my direction. I was hoping it’d be her, but she doesn’t walk that heavily. I flash a gaze over my shoulder, but look away when I see Sanford running after me.

He grips the handle of the suitcase. “Your mum’s just mad. Come back inside.”

He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know her like I do. If I don’t leave, one of us will kill the other. She’ll make my life a hell. She’ll somehow find a way to blame me for Kitara being gone. Even though she’s the one who did it. No one told her to give her child away. Yes, I often worry about Kitty and how she’ll go to school. But I never wanted her to leave me.

“No.” I pull my bag from him.

“Hey, hey…” He says as I begin walking again.

I stop and turn to look at him.

“Come to my place then.” He chews on his lip, squinting from the sun. “Yeah? Come to my place, then. I have an extra room. It’s my sister’s but…she’s out of town…”

I stare at him.

His eyes dip to my thighs.

“No…” I shake my head. “Fuck you both.”

I catch a glimpse of him biting his lip, shame-faced, before I turn away and drag my suitcase out of the yard.

14 RJ stands in…

⎈

Mishka

RJ stands in front of my suitcase of clothes, a cigarette hanging from his mouth.

He squints as he strikes the match. No fire forms. He tries again, and it lights. He drops it on my suitcase of clothes, and we watch it burn, crackling against the evening glow.

“You don’t need her. You don’t need these either. Burn them…yeah?”

I nod, and he puts his arm around my neck. “You’ll be okay.” He presses his lips to my head.

RJ and JR says I can stay with them. JR looks too happy. Maybe even more than his brother.

While RJ goes to get some clean sheets, JR smiles and says:

“Sometimes I worry about my brother…” He leans against the door sill. “When you’re around, I feel more relaxed. Like we can cope, you know?”

I nod, understanding what he means completely.

“He’s lucky. I don’t know where he found you…”

I smile. “Nowhere fancy. Just at the trailer park down the road.”

He chuckles, lifting his chin. “Always love your optimism.”

I smile wider and cross my arms.

“You know, he sleeps on my sister’s sheets ’cause it makes him feel close to her. He feels like he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep if he doesn’t…you understand?”

“I do. My dad died of lung cancer some years ago. My mom used to smell his shirt every day. One day…I washed his clothes. She particularly loved this really neat jumper he’d work in. He was a welder…”

JR nods.

“And I washed it. And she was so mad. I felt like since then, things changed…she started smoking, having multiple partners…” I smile. “Sometimes I feel like, it’s silly, but I feel like I somehow…took away her cope mechanism, you know?”

JR nods again.

“So, she had to find another…and the things she’s found, they aren’t the right way…”

I mean it for them too. What they’re doing, the way they’re covering their scars, isn’t the right way at all.

“You can’t just slap a bandaid and expect to heal…” I say quietly.

JR nods. “That’s true…” He smiles stiffly.

“Lay off my girl.” RJ says as he enters the room again with the folded sheets. “Get your own girl.”

JR laughs and shakes his head. “Thanks for staying, Mishka.”

“I don’t really have a choice.” I say as I help RJ unravel the sheets. RJ looks up with sympathy.

“Well, I shouldn’t be happy, but I’m glad you’re here. I can relax now.”

RJ and I both look at him when he says that.

He steps out of the room, taps the sill, and walks away. “Come down for food when you’re ready!”

“Yeah!” RJ answers, and then he sits and I plop myself next to him. “JR is excited. He cooked a whole five-star meal. For a family of ten.”

I smile. “That’s nice. I’m kind of hungry…”

He chuckles. “Then let’s go down for food.”

•

The bed wracks and hits the wall, each time RJ drives inside of me. He isn’t going as hard as the first time we did it, but he isn’t going as slowly as the second time either.

“Ugh…” I moan, closing my eyes tightly.

“Open your eyes. Let me see them. I love them so much…”

My eyes flutter open at his request. He’s sweating in the dark, his gaze glowing with so much admiration my stomach flutters. My breasts bounce at each push of his hips. “You’re so beautiful.”

He starts bouncing up and down, changing his momentum, sticking inside of me until something so unfathomable begins to spread in my pelvis.

It feels so good. “Oh, RJ…”

“Yeah?” He rasps. “Is this good? You like it this way?”

I nod rapidly.

“Like this?”

I reach down to grope his butt cheeks, pushing him even farther as I widen my thighs.

He shuts his eyes and hangs his head, sinking down and up again, bouncing like the springs of the mattress. “Oh, fuck, this is good.”

His hips slap against my upper thighs, until he starts to jounce in a quiet way, our skins not touching, but his hard length stroking my walls quick and sure.

My toes curl, and he reaches up to cover one of my breasts, rubbing it with his thumb. “Oh, shit, Mishka…” He tips his head back. “You’re gonna make me come so fast…” He bites his lip and hangs his head, his body shivering. He starts to circle his waist, ensuring he’s rubbing that sweet spot inside of me with his tip, stroking it in tingly circles.

“Ugh…”

“That’s it. Cum for me…” He says, still rotating his waist.

“Oh, RJ…”

I quiver around him, my breathing coming out quick and fast, my toes curling. I’m almost drooling.

RJ continues to split me, stroking me long and wetly. He trembles. “So good…” And I feel him expanse, bigger than ever, before the condom fills with thick warmth.

I am shivering, my body shining with sweat in the dark.

“You’re so good, Mishka. You’re so good…” He pants before falling off me and onto his side.

We breathe heavily in the gloom.

I roll over and put my arm across RJ’s shirtless chest. He’s breathing heavily, his torso moving up and down.

“I don’t know…things are weird. Everything happens so suddenly…” I whisper.

RJ rubs my arm and plants a kiss on my forehead. “What do you mean?”

“It feels like only yesterday we all were happy. As a family. My mom, my sister, my dad, and me. There was no Rico.” I sigh and snuggle my cheek against him. “No sadness. No arguments. You’re the best thing that has happened since my dad died.”

“You’re the best thing that has happened since my mom and sister died, too…” RJ responds.

“I can’t really remember when exactly my mum lost her mind, but I know it was after I pried into things, tried to make things better. I shouldn’t have gone into Dad’s workroom. Shouldn’t have cleaned up and washed his clothes. I just wanted to make things okay. Just wanted to…just wanted the house to feel alive again.”

“Don’t blame yourself for anything…” RJ tells me, pressing his mouth against my hair. “You don’t deserve it.”

“My sister is gone, now.” My eyes grow limpid again. “I’ll probably never see her again. You know, I tried to save her. I tried to save her from my mum. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it…” I reach up and press my hand against my mouth.

“Let it out. Tell me everything. I’ll listen.” RJ promises.

“One day, I came home from school, went to my room to do my homework. Kitara was hungry. Like really hungry. I told her to ask Trisha for food. She went there, to my mum’s door. She took too long to come back, so I stepped out of my room…”

“Mm…” RJ urges me on, rubbing my arm.

“I saw Kitara standing at the door, staring into my mum’s room. I called out to her. She came to me and said: mum’s busy. I told her to wait downstairs, and when I went to my mum’s room door…she was inside there…having sex with some man. My sister saw everything…” A tear slips down my cheek. “How traumatic that must have been for her…”

“It’s not your fault…”

“And then I met Rico at the town’s pharmacy. He lives in Westbay.”

“Westbay?” RJ sounds stunned.

“Yeah…” I whisper, looking up at him.

He shakes his head. “The boys out there are assholes. They lead gangs and fight with bobbies. They’re trouble.”

“I know.”

“Still hate that a sweet girl like you was with a dick like him…”

“I hate that too…” I sniffle.

“Hey, I don’t care about him. You’re here with me. Okay?” He whispers, and I nod.

He leans down and plants his lips on mine. No tongue; just a gentle kiss. He moves away and stares straight into my eyes. His gaze holds comfort. “And you’re safe with me, now.”

I smile and nod. “I know I am…”

15 Living with RJ…

⎈

Mishka

Living with RJ and JR is nice. I don’t get anxious when school dismisses in the evenings anymore, knowing I won’t have to see Trisha and hear her condescending words.

JR’s friends don’t come over that much anymore, and when they do, RJ stays in the room with me. He says they are too lewd and he doesn’t want me mixing with them.

Things are fine. We get by.

Well, mostly.

RJ seems happier than when I first met him, and I’m happy for that.

“RJ? Should I wash this shirt too?!” I call out from the room, gathering up his stuff to wash with mine. His huge T-shirt moves against my knees, and I step back, trying to peek into the opened bathroom.

He doesn’t answer, so I put his shirt down and strut my way to the bathroom. “RJ?” I look left and right, then move the door back to see him sitting next to the bathtub, a picture in his hand as he stares at it.

“RJ…” I mutter.

He swallows. “Layla was eight in this pic…” He smiles sadly. “She used to be so angry that we were older than her. Me by two years, JR by…a lot.” He chuckles, and sighs. “She wanted to be a normal girl. She wanted to do cheerleading, go out with boys. We ruined that for her. We used to be so mad at her, telling her she couldn’t go anywhere without our permission…” He blows his cheeks out. “If I knew she would have done this…I’d have let her be…I’m so sorry, Layla.”

“RJ…” I cross the floors and squat next to him. “It’s not your fault. None of this is…and you know it.”

His eyes are red, but he isn’t crying. He’s so strong. So amazing. I wish he could see.

“You’re awesome, RJ. So awesome…I’m looking at you and I can see how amazing you are…” I put my hand on his back. “You’re strong…” I say with intense seriousness, wanting him to believe. “You’re stronger than you think, than you know…”

He meets my eyes, his intense perusal scanning my features. “You too. You’re strong, too.”

I nod, willing myself to believe it. “We are. We both are. We aren’t much different. And we’ll get through this together. Okay?”

He nods and swipes his arm against his eyes. “Today is her birthday. She’d have been sixteen.” He smiles sadly. “JR and I are gonna have a party for her.”

I smile, wanting to cheer him up. “That’d be nice. Let’s go to the store and get some stuff, okay?”

•

We get to the convenience store at the end of the avenue. We pack the trolley with birthday candles and balloons. It’s a bittersweet feeling, preparing for this party. RJ says she liked pink and peach, so I mostly get those colours.

After we get everything we need, we stand in line to cash the items we’ve gathered in our trolley.

“Oh. A card. I’d like a card.” RJ says, looking unlike himself.

I nod readily. “Yeah. Okay, I’ll grab it.” I turn around and run down the aisle. I search the shelves, until I’ve found the section with a ton of cards. Birthday cards, Christmas cards, you name it.

As I reach for a white and peach one, someone grabs it before I can. I turn my eyes, my stomach dipping when I find Rico standing there.

He’s staring down at the card, flipping it from front to back. His overgrown hair lands in his dead-beat eyes, that ugly scar still stretching from his eye to ear where his little brother threw his toy car into his face a year ago.

“Who you buying this for?” He asks, his lips tilting at the corners. “Mum? Kitara?”

I swallow, regretting the day I took him home to meet my family. “No one…leave me alone.” I move to walk around him when he slips into my path.

“Come on. No need to run away, Mishka.”

I stare up at him. “What do you want from me?”

“Nothing. Just want us to talk.” He sticks the card back into its spot and shoves his hands in his pockets. “You look well…” He looks me up and down. “You’ve been going to school, yeah?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” I snap, swallowing.

He laughs, a scoff leaving his lips as he squints off somewhere to the left of him. “Because I used to pay your fees. Forgot?”

Shame fills me. “Go away.” I walk past him, only for him to grab onto my hand.

“Let me go!”

“Let her go!” RJ roars, plodding down the aisle with anger in his steps. He grabs my hand from Rico’s grip and pulls me over to him. “Why don’t you fuck off, yeah? Or I’ll make you fuck off.”

Rico laughs and lifts his eyebrows. He looks between me and RJ.

“Come.” RJ pulls me away.

“What about the card?” I ask.

“I’ll just use a notebook sheet.”

Rico bursts out cackling behind us. “Did she tell you I fucked her in the ass?!” He shouts, and people begin to look.

I want to cry.

RJ turns like he wants to go punch Rico in the face, but I hold onto him. “Don’t. The party, please.”

RJ clenches his jaw, and it takes all of him to turn away, as I try to plead with him. “Let’s just go…”

He walks out angrily, not before kicking away a rack of glasses by the door. The cashier jumps, gawking at him as though he’s mad as we step through the door. I look back and mouth to the poor man a sorry.

When we’re outside, RJ turns me to him before we get into the car.

“RJ, I’m sorry…”

“Shh. Don’t apologise. You did nothing, okay?”

I nod, my lips bending.

He leans down and presses his lips to the top of my head. I’m so short compared to him.

He moves away and presses his forehead against mine. “Let’s go home…”

And he opens the door for me so I can climb in. He gets in on his side, and we speed away from the store.

Away from Rico. Away from my past.

•

“Happy birthday, dear Layla. Happy birthday to you!”

We cheer and clap.

“Dear, Layla. I want you to know that we love you…” JR sniffles, “and we always will.” Tears foam in his eyes, so much he isn’t able to say anything else.

RJ sees this and takes over. “Hey, Layla…” He stares at the photo of her that’s leaned up against the small cheesecake. He said she liked cheesecake. “You’d have been sixteen now. You’ve grown up on us. I love you, so much…” His voice cracks, and I can’t help thinking of my little sister.

I miss her so much.

I sniffle and reach up to wipe my eyes.

“And…I want you to know that nothing was your fault. We should have taken proper care of you. We’re so sorry we made you feel alone. We’re so sorry, we’ve dealt so much with drugs…we couldn’t see how you were dealing with the grief of mum in your own way. I’m so sorry…we’re so sorry, Layla…” He sighs and looks over at me. “Would you like to say anything, Mishka?”

I look around the room, the candles glowing in the two pairs of glossy eyes.

I smile, trying to be optimistic. “Happy birthday, Layla! I know it’s amazing wherever you are! You must be the prettiest girl in heaven. The hottest cheerleader, whoohoo!”

JR and RJ exchange glances, and then they start to laugh, shaking their heads.

I smile, slumping my shoulders and looking down.

RJ smiles tightly. “Alright. Let’s all blow out the candles.”

And we lean over and out the candles at the same time, allowing the room to be plunged into darkness.

Later this night, I see RJ talking to JR in the living room. They are whispering, like whatever they are saying is a secret. Moments later, JR leaves in RJ’s beat-up car. And then I see on social media, while my boyfriend sleeps next to me:

Rico Francis of Westbay, hospitalised for a stab wound to the stomach.

I put the phone away, close my eyes, and hug RJ from the back. He shifts in his sleep and rubs my knuckle with his thumb. And I’ve never felt this at home…

16 Something happened on…

⎈

Mishka

Something happened on Saturday. Cops showed up at our house. They said they came to search, that someone said we have drugs. I started to panic.

They wanted to know my age. Thinking I’m too young to be around two ‘men.’ RJ’s obviously young, but he’s been getting a bit stubby under his chin. Too busy to shave, and so he looks a lot older.

I told the bobbies I’m eighteen and even showed them my Id. They looked me over, then passed me as legal.

RJ told me to wait in the room.

He was more talkative than JR so they threatened to take him to the station for questioning. However, they didn’t find any drugs, JR must have hidden it well, and so they left without an arrest.

I think it scared us all. Because RJ slept hugging me tightly that night.

17 Yo, RJ! RJ!”

⎈

Mishka

“Yo, RJ! RJ!” Someone shouts at school.

I whip my head around, seeing one of RJ’s friends. The skinny one that always wears a Tom hat.

RJ looks back at his friend, who’s beckoning, pointing behind him.

“No! I’m not selling those anymore!” RJ shouts.

He says he won’t be selling drugs anymore because it scared him the day the cops came, and he thought they were going to take me away from him. The same way the law took away my sister from me.

Skinny guy flicks his wrists and shakes his head, walking away.

“Don’t you talk to them anymore?” I ask worriedly as I climb into his car.

RJ shuts the door for me and gets on his side, slamming his old door into place. He has to really slam it so it stays locked. He got this car at a pawn yard. It was run-down, and he gathered some old scraps and put it back together. That’s how he could manage to drive a car. “No…not since I met you. Not since I have you.”

“That’s mean. You met them before me.”

“They’ve said meaner things about you.” He steers his car out of the yard.

“Like what?”

He hesitates. “You don’t want to know. Fuck it. Fuck them. It’s us now.”

I smile as he takes my hand in his, bringing it up to his lips for a kiss.

“I told my teacher I’ll help her in the art room tomorrow after school.” I say, “She was happy.”

RJ shakes his head, hardly understanding why that’s even important. But I know why. “Okay. Yay…”

I chuckle and slap him on the arm.

“Let’s hurry home. JR has something to tell us.” He says, and I nod and press my head against the headrest. I turn my eyes to my man, feeling happy that he’s mine.

•

“Why you look so solemn? Like the world’s gonna end?” RJ quips, as JR sits in front of us, looking directly into our faces like he’s gonna reveal he has stage five cancer and two months to live.

It’s not that, right?

I start to worry. “JR?”

He sighs.

“You look like you’re going into the army.” RJ jokes, taking his unlit cigarette from his mouth and hitching it at the corner of his ear.

JR slumps his shoulders, and he says nothing about RJ’s joke.

His face is serious.

“JR…” RJ says in realisation. “Did you…”

“I signed up for the army earlier this year.”

RJ pales.

“They’re calling me to serve. I’m sorry I’m just telling you, RJ…”

My lips fall apart. “JR.”

“I’m sorry, guys. It’s just…” He blows his cheeks out and leans over, putting his hands on his head. “I just want to do something for them. I want to make mum proud. I want to make Layla proud. I want to…I’m tired of taking lives. I’m tired of taking lives this way, if serving my country is what I need to do to repay my debts, I’ll do it.” He shakes his head. “Plus, I like it.”

“Do you really? Or are you telling yourself that you do?” RJ asks him. He’s not crying, but he looks stiff and bloated.

“No. I do.” He looks up. “Ever since, I’ve liked it. That’s why I signed up. I told Layla that I’d be a soldier. That I’d fight to protect the world she lives in. That I’d fight to protect her. I want to fulfil my promise.”

RJ’s eyes are limpid, and so are mine.

“When are you leaving?” He asks his brother.

JR sighs. “This weekend. They called this morning. I didn’t want to tell you while you were at school. Didn’t want to fuck with your studies and all of that, you know?”

“Won’t it still fuck with my studies tomorrow? And the day after that? And the day after the day after that? Until I see you again? I’ll fucking miss you, you idiot!” RJ says, and JR smiles.

“I’m not gonna die. I’ll write to you every week.”

“Every day.” RJ says with finality. “Every day. And you can’t die. You can’t fucking die, you hear me?” Tears are rolling down his cheeks now.

JR wants to cry too, but just smiles. “I won’t. I’m JR Cadiz. I’ll fucking live.”

“You have to! You’re all I got!” RJ sniffs, trying to suck up his tears. “I only have you and Mishka…”

JR smiles and looks at me. “Mishka. Take care of my bro, okay?”

I nod, trying not to cry. “I will…”

“Please don’t leave him…and if you ever decide to…” He sighs. “Write me first, I’ll find my way home…”

“Don’t worry. I won’t ever leave him.” I tell him and mean it.

RJ holds his head down on his arms, and cries like a baby.

While JR smiles brokenly, with tears overflowing in his eyes.

18 “Got everything?” I…

⎈

Mishka

“Got everything?” I ask JR as he puts his backpack on his back. He’s leaving now for the army. He looks the same. He’s always had his head shaved, so there isn’t much difference. Except the fact, that he’s now practically a soldier.

“Yeah, thanks, Mishka.”

I smile sadly. “You look…you look fine.”

“Trying to be. I’m worried for RJ, but you’ll hold him down, yeah?”

“I will. I promise. It’s not a burden. It’s not a task. It’s more something I need to do…I want to do. I have to do. Because I love him.”

JR smiles, hearing that. “Thank you. Always so optimistic.”

I nod. I know why JR has to do this. He feels he owes it to Layla. I think it’ll help him heal. It’ll help him to cope. And if it’s his choice, it’s whatever makes him sleep better at night. I hope it does. I’ll pray for him.

RJ comes down with JR’s hand luggage and passes it to him.

He looks so sad, my heart breaks. “Take care. And write to me everyday. You promise.”

“I promise.” JR chuckles. “Don’t worry. This is better than selling drugs. We don’t have to worry about people overdosing…”

RJ smiles slightly. He loves his brother so much. “Love you, wanker.”

“Love you more, wanker.” JR says back, and they hug each other.

A long, brotherly hug.

“Did you tell the guys?” RJ asks as he moves away.

JR nods. “Mm. They’re fucking mad at me. I’ll write them an apology letter…”

RJ’s mouth tilts.

We follow JR out to the gate. He’ll drive RJ’s car to the Capital Station, and then RJ will pick it up tomorrow. I’ll go with him.

We stand on the pavement, watching as he walks to the car with his luggage and cap.

He stops at the driver’s door. “I almost forgot!” JR dips into the pocket of his jeans and tosses RJ a key. He catches it effortlessly.

RJ peers down at the key, and then back up at his brother. “What’s this?”

“A key to Mum’s getaway house. It’s one of the few things she’s left. You should move out there for a while. You and Mishka.”

RJ nods. “Thank you, JR.”

“Yeah, I’ll text you the address when I get to the Capital.” He diverts his gaze to me, tips his cap off his head and slants it to me. “Thank you for being born, Mishka. You’re a blessing to me and my brother.”

My heart swells, and I allow my lips to stretch across my face. “Keep safe.”

“You both too.” He climbs into his car, and we watch him as he reverses out of the lot. One more beep, a glance from him through the top mirror with tears in his eyes, and then he’s gone, speeding down the road.

•

RJ and I pack up on Sunday. We’re going to his Mum’s getaway house. It’s near a nice beach. It’s not big based on the photos JR sent, but it’s cute. There are neighbours there, a town and everything, and it’s not far away from school.

We’ll live there for a while, until JR gets deployed back here, and then we’ll come home. We’ll go back again if JR leaves again.

We drive down the road of Sutton city, hand in hand, listening to Country music on the radio.

The sun is beautiful. It’s setting, a tinge of orange behind the horizon.

I let the breeze rush through my hair, and I look behind, watching the city fade away the farther we go.

“Mishka?” RJ says quietly. “I think I love you.”

I bring my eyes to him. “…what?”

“I love you. You’ve been there for me. I don’t see myself wanting anybody else. I love you, Mishka. It has to be love. If it’s not love, the way I feel for you, the way I feel when you look at me, when you tell me that everything is okay…I don’t know what it is.”

“I think I love you, too. We’ll find out together. Just stay by my side okay?”

“I will.” He says, “I always will.”

I smile from my heart. I smile and really mean it. “Then that’s enough for me.”

He looks over at me, a smile alighting his face, and we look ahead, driving farther down the smooth road, into the blazing sun, and leaving our pasts behind.

The End