11 soursap

So, he couldn’t trick me.

Or fool me.

Or make my heart gallop…

Well, not too much.

But something was still there.

Like when you sip the last of your cerasee tea

and there’s still some drippings at the bottom.

But does it really matter?

It’s finished anyway.

So you just rinse the cup and put it away.

Eric was a cerasee plant,

bitter, green,

but he wasn’t good for you.

That was the only difference,

between he and the plant root.

But let me tell you,

he was hot.

Gaddang hot.

And while I watered the roses the next day,

he came outside.

And he walked towards me like a man,

trying to hide.

Careful, cautious. Really slow strides.

“Your Ma’s going to the market.

Your Pa too,

they asking if you want anything.”

I didn’t answer.

But then the screen door opened

and Mamaw came out.

“Turn that pipe off,

there’s going to be a drought.”

I switched the hose off,

and I remembered the last time

that Eric was here.

And we’d gotten wet,

and then what followed

was something I should not have let.

Neither should Eric have.

Then Pamma was behind Mamaw,

“Eric, she taking me to the market,

you coming?”

Papaw was in town,

some community conference

on how they can

turnover the crop.

And I realised if Eric didn’t go,

we’d be the only two here.

Crap.

“Uh, I think, I’ll stay, but if you can,

bring me back a soursop.”

He said, and I hid my hatred

by turning off the tap.

12 bra hooks

“Jo…Joelene. Wait a minute.”

And my door slammed straight in Eric’s face,

and he sighed. “Let us talk, please.”

Ever heard a grown man beg for candy?

And in my room, I get dressed for the river.

Blocking out the man.

We were studying today again,

me and the girls,

and Poppy would be there.

My studies and ticket out of the valley

was the only thing that could get me to care.

Not the fact that Eric and me

were the only ones here.

But a thought comes to me,

and it’d be so fun.

If I could show Eric

what he had left behind.

So I grinned like a fool,

pulled my red hair up in a pool,

and as I swung my hips to the tune on the radio,

I think about how cool…

It’d be to fool the man by the door.

He was still there. Could smell him.

I’d give him something to do.

So I flung open the door, pouted my lips

and asked: “Can you fix the back of my bra?”

Eric seemed caught off guard

as I swung my back to him.

And his words came out hoarse,

low,

and raw.

“Yeah-uh…”

And I smiled softly

and chewed on my bottom lip.

He’ll want more from me, but he’ll only get a sip.

13 cowboy hat

“Going to the river…can come if you want.”

I told him, and he agreed.

“We always walk, it won’t be too far.”

But Eric grabbed my elbow

and said, “No, we’ll take my car…”

My hair blew in the 12:00 breeze,

and I just study him.

Because why did he want me

in the car with him?

Of course to touch me,

to tell me he wanted me?

To steal the innocence I no longer had

and pretend he’d waited for me?

I had no purity left.

One can’t lose what they didn’t have.

So I climbed up into the van,

it wasn’t a car but a van,

did this grown man,

not know the different between the both?

And he clearly liked my growth,

if the way he rested his hand on my back

to help me in the front could be used as an oath.

He was such a freaking sloth.

It was a pretty Wednesday.

Was bright and windy.

And the place smelled of dust,

of his leather seat,

engine and a bit of iron rust.

And he fitted his cowboy hat on his head,

slipped a cig in his mouth,

and squinted behind my head

to reverse from the garden shed.

In the glow, he looked like those men

on Mamaw’s Mills and Boons.

Lucky gal, Pamma was.

Lucky? Was I mad?

He’d done bad things to me, why the hell–

clearly I was sad.

A sad, sad case.

Eric needed to catch a ‘case,’

and vanish from my life for good.

He should.

And I’d make sure of it.

14 scratchy radio

“Hungry?”

We’re passing the little mini market.

Not the one Mamaw’s gone to,

but our neighbours little put-out.

I shook my head

and flipped my hair.

“Nah, I’m good.

Poppy always brings snacks.”

“Poppy?”

Oh, you’d see soon,

focus on your failing shacks.

Because why was this van

bouncing this terribly

at every bump in the road?

The radio was on,

and Eric drove like a man on a cruise.

I’d have still wanted him,

if I hadn’t felt used.

Now, it was my time to use him.

To hurt him.

He parked on the river rocks,

and I climbed out.

And Laura and Sandy came running over,

in their swimsuits and their slippers,

and their summer-burnt hair.

Plenty of young gals

to feed your eyes with, eh Eric?

But the damn man wasn’t looking at them.

But at me.

And then at Poppy,

who climbed up off the rock

down by the river bay,

waving his skinny hand,

he grinned to say.

“And she has come!”

“He kept asking for you

over and over again.” Laura said,

“Swear he’s in love with you.”

Eric looked over the crew.

Then Sandy gripped my arm

and whispered in my ear,

“Who’s the man?”

“Don’t worry,

just the son of satan…”

“What?”

She didn’t hear,

and I’d already started pulling off my shirt.

“First to the river

has to buy me plums tonight!”

15 veiny hand

Eric was mad.

He was jealous.

He didn’t like Poppy.

And the way Poppy liked me.

He leaned back on the rock bed,

while we played in the river.

And he could go home,

because we wouldn’t leave

until I was sure Mamaw

had gotten home.

Was I avoiding us being alone?

Me and Eric?

Maybe, but I wasn’t scared.

Just didn’t want the man

knowing I still cared…

But I loved to see him suffer.

Loved to see the way his eyes

were dark when Poppy

held me close.

“Your uncle is watching us…”

Poppy had said.

“That’s damn good…” I’d answered,

because it was.

And the man wasn’t my Uncle,

Poppy had lost his damn head.

But then the whole thing failed

when something pinched my foot,

and I flinched.

“You okay?”

“Something bit me.”

In the water.

And Sandy was extra

so she squealed.

“Shit, something bit, Jo!”

And Eric was off the rocks instantly

and in the water.

He lifted me out of it

and took me back to the river bed.

“Let me see…” He said,

and he sounded a little anxious.

And I stared down at his head of dark hair,

and his veiny hand as he held my foot,

and he looked at my sole.

And this little action, this little giving-a-damn

kind of grazed my soul.

I flinched when he’d grazed

a little red spot.

“From the looks of it,

it seemed like a river Beatle.

You’ll be alright, I got you.”

And those words,

those words were sweetly cruel…

But a man’s heart

can’t be cruel and sweet

at the same time.

But I watched him,

with water dripping from my lips

and hair.

The man actually looked like

he really cared…

16 girl fantasy

‘All This Time’ By Tiffany beat on the radio.

Humming softly.

The way my heart

was humming softly

as I stared at Eric

in the dark of the night.

And why did he

have to be any girl’s fantasy?

He was taking me home,

after the river.

And I was cold,

all shakes and shiver.

But Eric was dry,

and big, and all man.

Strong hands

on the steering wheel,

jaw tight and sharp

like a pirate’s sword.

And Sandy…

Oh, sandy had the eyes

for illicit affairs.

She had pinched my arm earlier

to pull me close and she whispered:

“I think that man fancies you, Joelene…”

Yeah, yeah, yeah…

He fancied my youth.

My pretty orange hair.

My long pale legs,

with those cute freckles I’d like to call red poko dots.

And my courage,

and my dream,

and my future,

and my hopes.

Eric wanted my youth,

or he’d have just let us be and elope.

17 sagging sofa

So, Eric lifted me off the front seat,

which was damn near unnecessary.

And he smelled like a man,

all wrapped in teteesterone

and cigarettes.

“Wrap your arms around my neck,”

He said,

and it did make my stomach flutter.

Or maybe I was hungry.

Or maybe I was stupid.

Either way,

I wasn’t thinking straight.

The plan, Joelene!

Remember the daggone plan!

But my senses were gone,

just for a little bit.

I could still know,

could still feel,

could still recall.

The day he’d left me behind

and gave me nothing at all.

Not even a simple call?

He could have just wrote to me,

could have just flipping stay.

I mean, he didn’t even like the gal

he had back at home anyway.

Mamaw said he broke it off with her

the second he went back.

Apparently, Eric had been thinking

with nothing but his ball-sack.

Because, really, was it me?

That had caused him

to leave his woman?

And he put me to sit on the sagging sofa

and knelt just by my knees,

and I look at him the way

all girls looked at their first love.

Hoping, wishing, it’d be their last.

And deep down

I might have been hoping

Mamaw wouldn’t get home

too fast.

“Is Poppy your boyfriend?”

Eric asked.

The middle room was dark

from the eventide,

and that was good.

My face, how red I was,

could easily hide.

He still made me red.

But that didn’t mean

I didn’t hate him.

Didn’t mean I didn’t plan

on breaking him.

I had a whole life ahead of me.

Eric was far ahead in his.

Besides, there were plenty of other woman

around

that he could kiss.

Pamma for one.

Poor Pamma.

She wasn’t lucky Pamma

in this moment.

Because the way Eric looked at me

was as though I was

the only girl in the world.

I might have, in that moment, truly been his favourite girl.

18 elvis presely

“Why’d you leave?” I pop the question.

No will you marry me,

though he was down on his knees.

“Had to Jo-Jo.

I had a whole life back home.”

“But Mamaw

told me you left the gal…”

I muttered.

“Did she have to tell you all that?”

He breathed a sigh.

“I-I, uh, did.

Just some things happened.

Big people stuff,

you wouldn’t understand.”

Oh,

so now it was big people stuff?

I was old enough

for most stuff.

I understood falling out of love,

and changing your mind,

and leaving someone behind.

I understood.

He’d taught me,

hadn’t he?

He’d taught me so much.

Too much.

“You love Pamma?”

And my stomach

might have churned

waiting for the answer.

Eric sighed again,

this time much softer.

He hung his head,

like a man who’d killed another.

And he had.

Over and over and over.

“Not really, princess,

no, guess not. I-uh…”

Jesus, he talked like Elvis Presley.

“I don’t.

But a man should have a wife…”

He might as well

had taken my life.

“So you ’gonna marry her?”

Why’d those words

feel like a knife?

“Uh, not really…no.

Don’t know.

I’m back because

I missed you.

Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat.

Just needed to be

by your side again…”

His words were sugar,

sweet, teeth-aching sugar.

My heart was a gummy bear,

soft and squishy

and between the pads

of his calloused thumbs.

And I wanted to beg him,

please don’t hurt me.

But he already had.

He could again,

if he really wanted to.

Not this time.

I must hurt Eric first.

“Oh. I missed you too…”

I said,

and my words were light.

Like the green of his eyes.

His lips twitched in a smile.

“I know you did…”

“Did you leave

your first gal ’cause of me?”

“Nah…no.” He shook his head,

looked down again.

Couldn’t look me in the eye.

Eric couldn’t hide anything

even if he tried…

“Didn’t.

We just, grew apart…”

Eric could lie from the heart.

Some things must be left alone.

Like Eric and the truth.

Right now,

I had to get to the root.

I missed him.

Still sorta loved him, I guess.

Breeze whooshed through the window

in the room,

flower-patterned curtains

dancing amidst the air.

Dancing like my heart.

My treacherous heart.

Two arms lifted—they claim to be mine,

and I wrap them around his neck,

like the thorns he wrapped

around my heart.

“Show me

how much you missed me…”

A little girl could never let go

of the monsters

under her bed.

Or on her bed.

Now I was battling

with my planning brain

and my pounding heart.

No worries,

I had it under control.

Eric could take my love,

but I’ll just take his soul.

Through his lips, with a kiss.

19 le gasp

And so I plastered my lips on his.

They weren’t rough like in the past.

Don’t worry, this is part of the task.

I got it. I got it.

Just gotta—

Eric placed a hand on my back and pulled me in closer.

Now I was soaring, flying on some non-existent wings.

Feeling euphoric, and catastrophic.

He caressed me while we kissed, a kiss I’d never felt before.

Not from past Eric or from Poppy.

It wasn’t messy, wasn’t dry or sloppy.

Just a different kind.

But then we heard a gasp, and it wasn’t from me or Eric.

Damn, no it wasn’t.

And I knew whoever saw, was probably thinking we were on something, or worse yet, some sort of sick.

20 girl tears

Eric moved away

and he was off the floor so fast,

he almost stumbled.

Would have been funny,

if things hadn’t just crumbled.

It was Pamma

and she gasped

and clutched her mouth.

And I wanted to clutch mine

for a different reason,

because what had I

just frigin’ done?

Eric was off to stop Pamma.

One messed-up summa’.

“Pamma, hold on.”

He caught her at the door.

She looked confused,

and I stood by the corner

of the hall.

And she looked like

she’d wanted to cry.

A woman should never be

the cause of a woman’s tears.

Mamaw had said.

and I’d ruin one of Eric’s

relationships again.

“I understand…Eric…

she’s young,

I’d have wanted her too…”

Pamma sniffed.

Eric was ’bout to panic.

He held out his hands,

like Pamma would run off

and tell his pal.

“It’s not like what you saw…

Jo and I…”

“She came on to you?”

Pamma asked,

and damn if I did!

And I might be slim,

small breasted

and freckled

but I sure as hell

was no kid.

I was sure of it.

I was just as woman

as she was.

And God,

what did youth

have to do with anything?

“She didn’t…”

Eric confessed.

“We–she…

just don’t say anything.

Please, Pamma…”

And he grew so eager

as Mamaw and Papaw

came closer to the door.

Pamma would tell,

wouldn’t she?

I wasn’t so sure…

The last thing I wanted

was for them to think

their daughter was a whore…

“I’m going home…”

She said,

“Buy me a ticket, please…”

Oh, no,

not the drama,

sheesh!

Eric tapped his pocket,

“Will get one for you

as soon as the sun rises

tomorrow…”

Now, I was sure

I’d fallen from grace,

because why did I

inwardly smile

at the worry on Eric’s face?

He should feel how I felt

when he’d walk away

and left.

I was just sorry Pamma

had to be grazed

with the bullet.