ELEVEN – BLAIR

I wake up to the touch of warm skin beneath my fingertips. I open my eyes and see Hunter lying next to me, still fast asleep on his back. I’m on my side, with one of my arms on top of his chest and one of my legs on top of his. My breasts are pushed up against his arm. I can feel his chest moving up and down with each breath.

The way our bodies are entangled feels incredibly intimate for two people who barely know each other—too intimate. His muscular frame beneath my fingers makes me want to run my hands across his chest and down his abdomen. But then how the previous night ended abruptly flashes back to the forefront of my thoughts, making me pull away out of embarrassment. Have I no humility? The man doesn’t even want to kiss me for God’s sake.

I reach for my phone. 10:37 AM. I scroll over the notifications with one open eye, squinting through the bright mid-morning sun gleaming through the big bedroom windows. Texts from Larissa and Opal thanking me and then asking where I am and then letting me know that they’ve left. A huge string of texts from Jessa, telling me about her night with Cameron. A few texts and a missed call from Noah. The last text was almost half an hour ago.

‘omw’

Shit.

I spring out of bed, grab my clothes that are laying on the ground, and head back to my apartment. After a quick shower, I check the fridge but unfortunately there’s nothing even remotely edible inside.

‘I’m going to the bakery. Want anything?’ I shoot a quick text to Noah, already out the door. My stomach is growling.

‘Get me a blueberry bagel.’ Noah sends me a voice message through iMessage, the faint noise of cars and his radio filtering through the background.

I wonder briefly if Hunter is hungry, but instantly feel weird about it. What would I say to Noah? Why am I getting Hunter food? I don’t know how to answer these questions, but I order six blueberry bagels regardless. I’ll just tell Noah I’m being neighbourly.

For some reason, I can’t help but feel guilty about facing Noah this morning in the same way that a cheating girlfriend would feel after a night with her lover. Despite the fact that I am neither dating Noah nor sleeping with Hunter.

Noah and I had promised that we would always be honest with each other. About everything. That’s the only way our complicated friendship can continue in the way that it is.

I had a party. I had nowhere to sleep. I slept with Hunter. No, strike that. I slept in Hunter’s bed–with Hunter. Nothing happened.

But I wanted something to happen.

No, no, I can’t be that honest.

The thoughts of what I would tell Noah about last night cloud my mind as I make my way back to my apartment and into the building.

I hear a door close, and then, “Who the hell are you?” It’s Noah’s voice from a couple storeys above. My stomach drops, the guilty feeling returns. I quickly make my way up the stairs and I see Hunter standing in front of my door. Noah is standing one flight down, with a direct line of sight towards Hunter.

“Oh. Hey. I’m Hunter, Blair’s neighbour.”

“Hey guys!” I jump in, hoping to resolve whatever misunderstanding that was starting to form. I reach Noah and grab his arm, and we start up the final few steps together. When we get to the top, I introduce them, “Noah, this is Hunter, my new neighbour across the hall. Hunter, this is Noah, an old friend of mine from… school.” Which isn’t necessarily a lie. We did meet in school. Noah was the TA for a marketing class I was taking. He was a graduate student at the time and I was in my final year.

They shake hands, but there is an odd awkwardness in the air.

“Hunter, remember the bagel place I told you about? You have to try their blueberry bagels.” I say, handing him two bagels in a paper bag that I had the cashier pack separately. “I got you one with butter and one with cream cheese.” I’m beaming, but only because I hope he likes the bagels.

“Thanks, Blair. I just locked your door for you. You should really lock it when you go out.”

“Yes, Daddy.” I roll my eyes, “I’ll catch you later.”

Neither of us makes any mention of the night before.

“Nice to meet you,” Hunter mutters to Noah before going back to his apartment. Noah returns a similar remark politely.

Once Noah and I are alone in my apartment, he grabs me by the wrists and pins me against the door. I drop the paper bag. “Noah, my bagels!”

“Don’t call other guys Daddy,” Noah presses his body against mine, leaning down to voice his command against my ear. “You’re mine.”

No, actually, I’m not. And nor are you mine. I laugh. Is Noah actually jealous?

His lips land hungrily on my neck and he makes his way down my body. The feeling of his lips against my skin instantly makes me wet. It’s been a while since Noah has been so… hungry. I let out a small whimper, very aware of our proximity to the hallway and the lack of sound proofing a mere piece of wooden door offers.

When he gets to my collar, he lifts up my shirt over my head and hurriedly rips it away from my body, tossing it onto the floor beside us. He crouches down, cupping my breasts in his hands and his mouth moves over to my right nipple. He sucks and circles it with his tongue while playing with my breasts. With his other hand, he twists my exposed nipple beneath his fingertips. I throw my head back and arch my chest into him.

My nipples are not the only thing twisting beneath Noah’s touch. My knees feel weak. They buckle inwards and I feel my underwear dampen. Noah’s kisses move further down my body. Past my ribs and abdomen. He’s in a half kneel now, with one knee up and the other on the floor. From under my skirt, he pulls my legs apart, hiking one leg on his shoulder and pulls my underwear aside. His mouth moves in to envelop my sensitive nub.

I let out a deep moan as his tongue begins to circle and flick at my clit, changing his pace every once in a while, taunting me.

“Please,” I beg in a whisper, grinding my lips into him, and grab one of his hands, gesturing between my thighs.

“Please what?” He breaks away to look up at me, smirking.

“Please… Daddy…”

“Good girl,” Noah is pleased with my answer. He slides two fingers between my swollen and already lubricated lips below. He runs his fingers back and forth, slowly, teasing at my opening without giving me the satisfaction of penetrating inside. Not yet.

Noah looks up at me through a loose strand of hair. My hips move against his fingers, pushing him through my damp opening. He begins to play with me, twisting his fingers inside of me while his tongue worked outside. The pressure starts to build up inside my core. I can’t stop myself from moaning aloud. I grab the door knob for support as I ride his mouth and fingers with my back still against the door. I heard a door slam in the hallway.

Noah slides in one more finger and I can’t take it anymore. The pressure building inside of me explodes and my walls close in on all three fingers, pulsating around them. I scream as I’m coming. I grab a handful of his black hair and push his head against my pussy, twitching in his hands. After a moment, Noah stands up and takes his fingers out of me. I close my eyes and collapse against him.

Great, now my bagels are cold.

TWELVE – HUNTER

I pour myself a glass of orange juice and take out the bagels from the paper bag. Without a dining table, I’m forced to lean over the counter beside the sink and eat directly from the countertop.

I pull out my phone to mindlessly scroll Instagram while I eat.

The bagels really are amazing. Wow.

There’s a missed call from Sarah. How out of character for her to call in the middle of the day. In the past couple of weeks, her missed calls have usually come in at the middle of the night.

I think that it might be something important so I call her back.

“Hi,” she picks up on the first ring.

“Hi.”

“Hi, Hunter.”

“You called?”

“How are you?”

“I’m okay.”

“I miss you.”

Silence. Well, actually, nearly silence. I hear the faint sound of a woman moaning coming from outside my apartment. In the back of my mind, I wonder if it’s Blair and Noah. They definitely seem to be more than friends.

For some reason, the thought of a man pleasuring Blair makes me feel annoyed.

“Are you still there, Hunter?”

“Yeah,” I don’t know what possesses me to open my apartment door. It’s definitely Blair. I can hear her clearly from the hallway. I close my door again, maybe with a little more force than I mean to.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure Sarah, what do you want to talk about?” I say sarcastically, already irritated to begin with.

“Let’s meet in person.”

I hear a muffled scream from the hallway.

THIRTEEN – BLAIR

Noah and I have known each other for around six years. We were friends first before we were lovers, and we always told each other everything. We sought comfort in each other through an unusual point in our lives. Noah was on a break from his long-term relationship. I was in the midst of my sexual awakening. We were both intellectually provocative and sexually frustrated. Thrown together, what happened between us felt like it was inevitable.

We met in class. He was the TA for an upper year seminar course I was taking. I was a bright and keen student who asked a lot of questions and visited a lot of office hours, hoping to get on the good side of the person grading me. An email chain, that truly began innocently with me asking for feedback on my essay, outlasted the course of the semester. It turned into lists of suggested further readings, which then spiralled into quirky, intellectual discussions about anything and everything. A couple weeks after the semester ended, I found him on Twitter and our banter continued virtually there.

Until one day, when he sent me a private message, suggestively letting me know he’d be at a local bar downtown by sharing a flyer for a local jazz band we both liked. I showed up alone and so did he. With alcohol and flattering lighting, and of course, the already existent tension between us, our platonic friendship quickly took a turn into something more.

That was the first time I met him in person outside of class. I tried to be classy, but I couldn’t keep my hands off of his thighs as I was sitting beside him all night. I tried to concentrate on the band but all I could think about for the next couple of hours was the thought of him fucking me. And he did. The bar was conveniently down the street from his apartment.

We fucked, and stayed up all night talking and smoking cigarettes out of his bedroom window, and fucked some more. I knew how these things went, I didn’t want to get too attached. But the next day, he was the one who begged me to spend the with him. We had brunch together and spent the day walking around the city, just talking.

We texted all day every day for months and saw each other multiple times a week. I had never had anyone like him, and I thought that I never would again. He was smart and to the point, he didn’t play games with me. He always let me know exactly what he wanted, something boys my age seemed incapable of doing. The air of maturity he had was so charming to me.

He told me that I was special. That he had never met a girl like me before. He told me about his long-term girlfriend. That they’re on a break and seeing other people already. That it was over with them. That he would never go back to her. He held my hand when we crossed the streets. He kissed me on the forehead. He drove me to my dentist appointments.

But our brief whirlwind almost-romance didn’t last very long. I was almost in love with him. We were almost a thing. Almost, but not quite.

Things ended rather abruptly when he got his on again off again girlfriend pregnant. Just like that, they were back on again and he disappeared from my life like he had never been there. He ended things—whatever it was between us—with a single text. I don’t even remember what it said, but I can remember how I felt. I felt stupid.

He was 27 and I was only 20 years old and clearly naive. We never talked about what we were, but for some psychotic reason I guess I thought wanting to talk to me and see me all the time was an indication of him falling for me, but no, I was only a placeholder for the person he ultimately wanted to be with. But after all, he had never asked me to be his girlfriend. We weren’t anything. So why did I expect anything more? It took me some time, but I moved on. I was only almost in love. But not quite. I was fine.

Until five years later, when he liked a picture of mine on Instagram. Maybe he had liked the picture by mistake, but it was unmistakably him. @noah___ with three underscores.

It’s funny how much people reveal about themselves online and yet how much of our online persona is a complete fabrication. Noah got married six years ago in the Bahamas; a destination wedding. His wife was hardly showing in their wedding photos, but I knew their secret. He has a five year old son. They live in a big beautiful suburban house uptown, just outside of the city. On Instagram, they have a happy and flawless life. And yet, Noah visits me on days when he’s meant to be running errands.

A few months ago, we met again at the same jazz bar on a night when his wife took their kid to her mother’s. I wasn’t hurt anymore by how things had ended. I was calm. I was at peace. I just wanted to catch up, with someone who I had talked to every day for a year, more than I had with anyone else in my entire life. I sat across from him, mindful not to be inappropriate. But somehow the ending to our night just felt inevitable. As inevitable as the first time we visited that bar.

But this time it was different, my heart was impenetrable. My heart doesn’t flutter anymore when his name shows up on my phone. It doesn’t race when his body presses against mine. It reacts, but it’s just sex, and nothing beyond that.

When he came back into my life, I swore that I would never allow myself to fall for him again. Especially not now that he’s married. I didn’t almost-love him anymore; I hadn’t for a long time. I made it very clear that we were just two friends who enjoy each other’s company intellectually and also happen to like having sex with one another. He’s just getting from me what he isn’t from home. And I, him. It’s not like we’re having an actual Affair. Or maybe that’s just what we tell ourselves so that we can feel better about what we’re doing.

But it also really isn’t just about the sex. Sure, we have a lot of it. Having to fuck like we don’t know when we’ll see each other again certainly keeps things exciting. But our time is also spent together debating ideas and sharing stories and dreams and ambitions and fantasies. I guess there’s a certain inconsequentialness in sharing secrets with someone who you don’t have to face everyday.

. . .

As Noah pulls his fingers out of me, I let out a small moan. I collapse against his body and he picks up the bagels with one hand and me like a child, with my legs wrapped around his waist. He brings me to the bed and goes into the bathroom to wash his hands. I kick off my skirt, and lie on the bed in just my underwear, with my arms out like a starfish. I feel drained.

“Noah, can you close the curtains?” I say in a tired voice, as he is coming back into the bedroom.

“Did you have a busy night or something?”

I laugh, amused at this line of questioning. I wonder what has come over him. “What are you insinuating?”

“Well, I saw your neighbour leaving your apartment and locking the door behind him.” He plops down beside me, facing me sideways and propping his head up with one hand.

I turn to face Noah. “What? You saw Hunter leaving my apartment?” My heart gives a little flutter.

Was he looking for me this morning?

“What the fuck, you didn’t know?! That creep… I swear…” Noah absentmindedly plays with my breasts softly.

“No no, I mean, I had a party here yesterday and he showed up with some friends. It’s kind of a long story. And then people kinda crashed here and my friend was throwing up and everything, and I didn’t have anywhere to sleep, so I crashed over at his place. He was probably just wondering where I went this morning. I kinda left in a hurry when I woke up and saw your text.” Why did this sound so much more coherent in my head?

“Did you sleep with him?” Noah’s tone is flat, emotionless.

“Does it matter if I did?” At this point, it’s no longer amusing and I just feel slightly annoyed with his tone. It’s not like he owns me or anything. I’m not his wife. I’m not even his mistress.

“Am I better?”

“Are you serious right now, Noah?” I roll my eyes. “Is that why… just now… God, you weren’t trying to make a point were you? I honestly hope Hunter didn’t hear anything, I don’t want him to think I’m a nympho or something.”

“Why do you care so much about what he thinks?” Noah’s dark brown eyes stare hard into mine.

I blink, breaking away from his stare and looking down. I run my fingers along his collarbones and down his chest as a distraction. I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t know why I care. “I didn’t sleep with him, okay?” I say instead.

Noah lifts my chin up to bring my eyes back to his. His expression is unreadable. He breathes out a sigh of hestitation, as if waiting for permission. I think I know what he wants but I don’t want us to go down that path. I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t want to break our promise to only be friends.

I close my eyes, willing time freeze so I can roll away and make my escape. My heart starts pounding. Noah leans in and his lips touch mine. They’re soft and warm and wet. And it feels like we’re touching for the very first time. My stomach flip flops. I can’t figure out what it means but I can’t say I hate it. He presses his body against me and moves his hand to the back of my head.

He hadn’t kissed me like that since years ago. There are so many emotions running through me that my head feels like it’s about to explode. It’s a mix of sadness, confusion, desire, and contentment. The feelings I felt for him years ago that I thought had completely dissipated makes a small break to the surface. The kind of feelings that make your heart flutter at the thought of someone.

But with them, also come the feelings of abandonment from when he just dropped me like I meant nothing. We went from texting and talking all day to complete radio silence in the matter of one text message. My heart is not racing but aching now.

When Noah pulls away, we both realize only then that I’m crying.

“Oh Baby…” he pulls me close to his chest and holds me in silence for a while. I’m not sobbing, but I can’t stop the flow of tears from my eyes.

“Blair, I’m so sorry… for everything…” he sighs and says quietly into my hair, “If only you grew up faster…”

FOURTEEN – HUNTER

Sarah and I decide to meet at a Starbucks between our townhouse and my new place. As I’m driving over, the moans from Blair’s apartment rings in my head. The thought of her being fucked makes me feel a bit sick but also turned on at the same time. I’m weirdly more preoccupied with thoughts of Blair than whatever Sarah wants to discuss.

Sarah is already sitting down and waiting for me when I arrive. She has two drinks in front of her. She offers me a small smile as I sit down across from her.

“I got you your usual.” Sarah slides one drink towards me across the smooth table.

“Thanks.. Sarah.” I almost say ‘baby’ out of habit. We hardly ever called each other by our first names at home.

“Do you want to take a walk maybe? I’m feeling a little exposed here.” She lets out a nervous laugh.

“Sure.” I guess she wants to talk about some heavy stuff and Starbucks is not exactly an appropriate space for that. We head outside and start down the sidewalk in a random direction. Neither of us have been to this Starbucks or this neighbourhood before. A couple of teenagers ride by on their bikes, shouting obscenities at each other along the way. Sarah turns her head to stare, pretending to be interested. She’s hesitant to start the conversation.

“So… what did you want to talk about?” I prompt.

“Do you think we could give it another go, Hunter?”

I don’t know what to say. In the back of my mind, I know that the answer is no, but at the same time it would be so easy to just go back to how things were.

“I love you. I miss you so much. You don’t understand how sorry I am. I fucked it all up, you were so good and I fucked it up.” Sarah says, before I have a chance to answer. Tears are streaming down her eyes. I stop and reach out to pull her towards me.

“No, Sarah, you didn’t.” Suddenly I feel guilty about the night I spent with Blair. Even though nothing had happened between us. But somehow it felt wrong, like I was cheating even though I wasn’t.

“Can you just think about it?” Sarah pulls away from me and looks into my eyes, desperately searching for a sign that I would reconsider taking her back. “Please, Hunter. Just think about it. Or just go and fuck some girls and we can call it even, as long as you come back to me in the end. I don’t even know who I am without you.

“We were so good together. We’ve been through so much together. We know everything about each other. We were supposed to get married, have kids. Don’t you think it’s such a shame to throw away all of those years together? I made a stupid stupid mistake, but it’s over, I promise you. I don’t want to make excuses, but honestly I think I was just bored. I can’t lose you forever. I don’t know how I could live with myself if I did.” She kicks a rock on the sidewalk onto the road.

“Sarah, I really care about you too but I honestly think we would be better off just as friends.”

“Then let’s stay friends for now. But I’ll be here waiting for you if you want to come back to me. Don’t say no yet, please. Please Hunter.”

I sighed and said nothing, unable to say yes but also unable to definitively say no.

She walks me back to my car and gives me a hug and a peck on the mouth. It feels familiar yet strange at the same time. It almost felt like an invasion of my space.

I say goodbye and I do think about what she said to me. I love Sarah so much, I care if she’s happy and healthy, but I know that I’m not passionately in love with her anymore. She knows it too. How could she be content to be with someone like that? More importantly, could I be content with a life with her?

I guess I was never necessarily discontent before. Honestly, I wasn’t even that upset that she cheated. I was a little horrified having witnessed it in live action, but I could understand why she did it. I had similar urges, even though I had never acted upon them. She cooked and cleaned, took care of our lives and practical needs. She booked all our dentists appointments and annual checkups. She went to Costco on the weekends. Maybe that’s all a life partner is meant to be when people are together for a long time—companionship and practicality. Lust is fleeting, but maybe companionate love is what’s supposed to last.

I visit my dad for lunch and spend the afternoon with him doing some gardening and chores around the house. He knows that I moved out, but we avoid the topic of Sarah like any Asian family with a normal amount of dysfunction would. Ever since my mom passed when I was 11, my dad completely closed both of us off to any talk of emotions. But we’re both stoics so I think we both prefer it this way. Then I pick up some groceries for dinner and the coming week and head home, praying for a night of sleep as good as the last.

Just as I am about to get started on dinner, there is a knock on my door.

FIFTEEN – BLAIR

I let the tears stream down my face in silence as Noah holds me against his chest. I hate for him to see me like this, but I don’t know how to stop them. I hate showing vulnerability to anyone—and especially to the person I’m sleeping with. I don’t know what exactly he means by wishing that I grew up faster, but I don’t exactly want to ask either. I don’t want him to have feelings for me, and I certainly don’t want to feel anything for him again either. All I want is to have a simple friends with benefits situation. Is that honestly too much to ask for? But nothing is ever simple, and I should know that by now.

I don’t say anything. Neither does he. Noah’s cell phone buzzes on my nightstand from an incoming call. He silences it and turns the screen over to face the table, but he leaves my apartment shortly after. He kisses me softly again and my stomach ties itself in knots. A part of me feels like I’ve waited so long for him to kiss me again, but another (and much larger) part of me feels it’s just too little too late. He has a wife now. He has kids. I honestly can’t think of a single good outcome that would result from this situation. Which is why I pull out my phone and text Noah:

‘Don’t come around anymore.’

He doesn’t text me back. I think there was an unspoken understanding between us that it had to end at this point.

I spend the rest of the day in a haze. I clean up the apartment, take out the trash, and browse facebook marketplace for my next restoration project. The day passes uneventfully and before I know it, it’s already almost 7PM. I’m starving again and of course, nothing consumable has magically appeared in the fridge in the past 8 hours.

I decide to go next door and see if Hunter wants to grab some food together.

“Hi Hunter,” I greet him with a brave smile as he opens the door, despite my likely puffy eyes.

“Blair,” he seems surprised to see me—though I don’t know if it’s in a pleasant way or not. I mean, I basically disappeared this morning without a word. I couldn’t even offer up any explanation, since I don’t even have his number.

“Are you hungry?”

“I’m just getting started on dinner.”

“You’re cooking?” My enthusiasm about dinner at the thought of it being homemade increases two fold. Hunter must sense it, because an amused smile forms on his face.

“Would you like to join me?”

“Don’t mind if I do,” I push past him into his apartment and go straight to his kitchen.

There are fresh ingredients on the countertop and a pot of water boiling on the stove.

“Looks like we’re having pasta tonight.” I grin.

Hunter joins me in the kitchen. “Why don’t you make yourself useful and cut up some tomatoes?” He tosses me another tomato from the fridge and I catch it just in time.

We prep in a comfortable silence, as if we do this everyday together.

“Sorry I kinda just ran out—“ I begin.

“Sorry if I upset your boyfriend—“ Hunter says at the same time.

I shook my head. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

He stops what he’s doing for a second and raises his eyebrow at me. “Hmm.”

“What?” I squint my eyes at him, “he’s really not. We’re just… friends… it’s complicated… you know what, you don’t even want to know.” I push the chopped tomatoes to one side of the cutting board with the knife. “What should I do with these?” I turn around to face Hunter, who is on the other side of the galley kitchen.

“Just leave them there for now.” Hunter brushes by me in the small space to pop the pasta in the now-boiling pot. His elbow accidentally brushes my nipple, but somehow it elicits a reaction in the depth of my pelvis. We make eye contact for a brief second before he looks away. His face is unreadable. He pauses for a second before saying, “I do want to know about your… friend. If you’d like to share?”

“Promise you won’t judge me?” I bite my lip, my heart rate suddenly increases. I wonder what he would think of me if he knew the kind of girl that I really am.

“Promise.”

SIXTEEN – HUNTER

“Promise you won’t judge me?” Blair is standing in front of me, nervously biting her pink lips. She’s scared I would judge her for having a fuck buddy? Come on, we’re living in the 21st Century.

“Promise.”

She sits herself up on the countertop and starts telling me her and Noah’s history while I’m cooking. My back is turned to her but I assert the occasional “uh-huh”. She tells me about how they met when they were in school, how he basically ghosted her when they were practically dating, and then creeped back into her life as a married man. She admits that she never felt bad about their relationship because to her, sex is just sex. She would never want him to leave his wife. She doesn’t even like him.

I’m surprised she’s being so frank with me, considering how little we actually know each other. But something about my interactions with Blair have always felt so easy, like we’re old friends who have known each other our whole lives. She isn’t pretentious. She doesn’t try to tell her story in a way that makes herself look like the good guy. In fact, she doesn’t have a filter at all. She just says it like it is without holding back.

I’ve never felt this way with anyone else before, not even with Sarah. Even after all these years, it still feels like there is a thin veil between us, preventing us from being 100% honest with each other. There are things I’ve never told her, like how I don’t even feel heartbroken about her cheating, but somehow it feels okay to tell Blair.

She tells me about how shattered she had been when he left her and how long and how many men it took for her to get over him. She starts telling me about his visit today, though leaving out the part where he probably fucked her brains out from what it sounded it like from the hallway.

“And then things got really weird. He kissed me. It felt wrong, you know. And he was talking about how he wished I grew up sooner? Like what does that even mean?”

“I think he might have regrets about who he married.” I offer. Maybe I was just projecting my own fears of a future with Sarah. Maybe if I had left a girl like Blair, I might be having second thoughts too.

“That’s the thing, I don’t think he regrets anything. I think he just wants to fuck with me and suck me back in.”

“That’s also possible. So what are you going to do about it?”

“I ended things with him. It feels wrong now, like we would actually be having a capital-A-affair. Before, it was just sex, which almost felt harmless. If that makes any sense?”

I turn off the heat on the stove and turn around to face Blair. “Watch your head,” I reach over her head and open the cabinet to grab two pasta bowls from the shelf. She leans forward and puts one hand against my chest to stop herself from falling off the countertop. Her hand is soft against my chest and I wonder if she can feel my heartbeat. Her soft brown hair brushes against my neck briefly. I back away from her touch, afraid that I’ll get a random erection again. I feel like a stupid teenager with a stupid crush.

“Oh my God, I’m horrible. You think I’m horrible, don’t you. Your girlfriend cheated on you… and I cheated with someone…” Blair exclaims all of a sudden, interrupting my thoughts of a potential erection.

“No, honestly I get it. I get why people cheat.” I put down the pan I am about to plate back onto the stove and turn around to look at Blair. She’s putting on a brave face but her eyes are sparkling. I want to hold her in an embrace so bad, but I don’t move.

“Really?” She says in a small voice.

“I’m not judging you. Honestly. I’m not even mad at my girlfriend for cheating.” I turn around again and plate our pasta. “Do you think there’s something wrong with me?” I say with my back still to Blair.

“No, I don’t.” Blair slides off the countertop and holds out her hands, offering to take the bowls. “There’s no right or wrong way to feel. Maybe you need some time to process things.”

I hand her the bowls. “Let’s eat on the coffee table.” I grab some utensils and napkins and we sit down on the rug under the coffee table, across from each other.

Blair rubs her hands together an inhales the food with a happy look on her face. “Thank you for the food!” She beams at me, and it makes me feel content. I realize I like the feeling of taking care of her.

We eat in silence for a couple of minutes. Blair is either famished or she really enjoys my cooking.

“I saw her today. My ex.”

“How was that?”

“She wants to get back together.”

“How dare she.”

I’m silent.

“You’re not actually considering it are you?” Blair glares at me.

“I don’t know. She’s all I’ve known for most of my adult life. We had plans.” I pause, “I can’t sleep these days.”

“You slept fine yesterday.”

“I can’t sleep alone.”

“Me neither. Why do you think I work all night?”

“Do you wanna be sleeping buddies?” I suggest, half joking.

Blair bursts out laughing. “Kind of like fuck buddies except we just sleep together?”

“Exactly,” I chuckle.

“Why not!” She throws her arms in the air with enthusiasm, “I can’t see what harm it can do us.”

SEVENTEEN – BLAIR

I realize that Hunter is a really good listener. Mostly because he doesn’t like to talk about himself much. He asks questions and gives space for me to talk. It feels comfortable sharing with him. He makes me feel as if I can tell him everything. Though I can’t help but I wonder what he really thinks of me after everything I’ve told him. His expressions are always unreadable. Even though he says that he’s not judging me, he could just be being polite. But then again, if he thinks I’m horrible, he wouldn’t want to be sleeping buddies right?

We clean up together after dinner and Hunter suggests we reconvene around at 1AM, though I’m not sure if that is even an appropriate bedtime for us considering we both sleep around 3AM on the regular.

I go back to my place and shower, scroll mindlessly through my phone for a bit, and have a little wine to calm myself down. For some reason, I’m nervous about spending the night with Hunter.

He’s clearly a very attractive guy and I’m almost worried that I might do something inappropriate. No, I can’t ruin this for myself. Not with my nice neighbour who would potentially cook for me once in a while.

1AM finally rolls around and I head over dressed in an oversized t-shirt that goes up to my mid-thighs. All I have are my keys, phone, and charger.

I sigh. Is this even going to work?

“Nirvana,” Hunter greets me, looking down at my T-shirt.

“Yeah I’m not a fan. Just a wannabe hipster.” I shrug.

He chuckles.

We head to his bedroom together. I plug my phone into the charger and put it on do not disturb mode. I lie down on my back and stare at the ceiling. I look over. Hunter is beside me in the same position.

“Are you asleep?” I whisper.

“Of course not.”

I turn over to my side to face him. “Should we set some rules?”

“Sure. What kind of rules are you thinking?”

“Well first of all, no sex.” I say, an act of reminding myself more than telling him.

“Agreed.”

“I just want to be friends. I don’t want this to get complicated.” I elaborate.

“Agreed.” Hunter answers decisively. He’s still on his back, facing the ceiling. A tiny wave of disappointment hits me. He doesn’t even need to think about it? “What else?” He asks.

“I don’t know. I’ve only thought that far.”

Hunter lets out a deep laugh as he brings one hand behind his head. Against the pale moonlight I see an outline of his biceps. I gulp. Remember, nothing inappropriate, Blair!

I turn on my back again and close my eyes. A few more minutes pass before I think of another one: “No phones after lights out.”

“Good one.” After a moment, Hunter turns towards me, “Hey.”

“Yeah?” I shift to my side to face him as well.

“Why can’t you sleep?”

The room is dimly lit by a distant streetlamp outside. Even so, I can see his dark brown eyes, staring intensely into mine. His hands are tucked under his face; as are mine. A lock of his short wavy hair spills across his forehead. I wonder how it would feel to run my fingers across his hair and push back the loose lock.

Nobody has asked me that before. Most people assume my sleeping schedule is a lifestyle choice. Maybe even I assumed that about myself. His eyes search mine for an answer I’m not sure I’m ready to give just yet.

“Something bad happened a while ago.” I begin. Hunter is silent, giving me time before I continue. “Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can see it happening again.” Hunter waits, but I’m not ready to continue my story.

He reaches out and pulls me to his chest. “I’m so sorry, Blair.”

A shiver runs through my body. I love the way my name rolls of his tongue. I love the way his toned chest feels against my cheeks, and the way his strong arms feel around my shoulders. I inhale him slowly, he smells like fresh rain and timber. Stupid body wash companies. Why must they create such sensual smells?

Only our upper bodies are in contact, and I’m thankful that my arms are between my chest and him. Feeling his hard muscular body against my sensitive nipples could really drive me over the edge. I don’t dare move an inch closer. The last time we were in a similar position, he completely shut me down. I do have some self respect after all.

I briefly remember him stroking my hair lightly and drifting off to sleep soon after…

EIGHTEEN – HUNTER

The soft touch of Blair’s hair against my fingers and her cheek against my neck stirs something in my lower body. She smells like berries in a way that makes me want to lick and savour her whole body like a lollipop. But the exhaustion I’ve accumulated over the past two weeks overtakes me and I fall almost immediately into a deep sleep.

…

I wake up to a gentle touch on my chest. Fingers running down my bare chest under my shirt, feeling my abdomen, and then a little lower, stopping just above the waistband of my shorts. I’m not sure how long I’ve slept, but it’s still dark when I open my eyes.

“Hunter,” she says my name with a longing gasp as she presses her body against mine. Her hand moves to my face. She runs one thumb across my lips before slightly spreading them open and placing her own soft lips upon them. My stomach flip flops. Is this really happening? Do I have to pinch myself?

She opens her mouth slightly, teasing me with her tongue and inviting me inside. I kiss her with a certain degree of need and urgency. She leans in and lets out a soft moan. And our bodies start to react on their own. I can feel my cock rising quickly from its slumber to meet her crotch.

Before I know it, I’m on top of her, and she’s naked beneath me, panting. “Please,” she whispers as she slides her hands inside of my shorts and underwear and grabs my member. She guides me outside of my clothing and towards her inner thighs. She pulls her underwear aside in haste, sliding me between her lips, up and down, teasing me and herself. She’s slick and warm, already wet and ready. My cock throbs against her, dying to enter.

“Blair,” I plead, desperate to be inside of her. She giggles, pleased with herself, before finally sliding herself down and around me. I come up to meet her, thrusting inside of her all at once with a steady but firm pa. She contracts around me, squeezing me tight, as she lets out a cry.

“Ahh… It’s so big,” she writhes in pleasure as I thrust into her once again. And again. And again. And again. Her cries become louder and shorter and faster until she’s screaming my name and swearing. Until one last scream of “oh god, fuck, Hunter” and I feel her spasm around me.

“Hunter,” I hear a distant voice calling my name, “Hunter?” I open my eyes to a bright room. Blair is sitting up on my bed with her legs crossed and her hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me. The bright light from the window behind her looks like a halo of light around her angelic face.

So it was a dream…

I squint my eyes. I can make out her erect nipples peaking through her t-shirt. And then I realize that Blair’s nipples are not the only erect things in the room.

“Were you having a bad dream? You were groaning in your sleep,” Blair asks, her hand now moving up and down my arm probably in an attempt to soothe me. But it was achieving the opposite effect of soothing me. Her touch against my skin brings a rush of blood to my lower body and leaves an electric current running down my arm. I turn away from her and groan, an attempt at hiding my throbbing erection.

“Not a bad dream… Let me sleep some more.” I pull the blanket up to my chin and close my eyes. I will myself to continue the dream but it doesn’t work.

I hear Blair quietly slip out and my front door closing behind her. I open my eyes to make sure that I’m alone and I urgently start touching myself. I imagine that it’s Blair stroking my cock, smiling at me coyly as she takes me in her hands. I try to recall the way I made her scream in pleasure in my dream as I pushed through her wet lips. I try to remember the way her walls felt around me as I slid in and out. It doesn’t take me long at all to come.

After I wash up, I check my phone and it’s just past 9 AM. I’m surprised how well I slept through the whole night and I wonder if it’s because Blair was there with me or if the exhaustion had just finally caught up with me. There’s a note on my kitchen counter. ‘Let’s do this again sometime.’ On the bottom, Blair left her phone number.

I sigh. This is bad. I can’t be having sex dreams about my sleeping buddy. Not if I ever wanted a good night’s sleep again.

NINETEEN – BLAIR

I’m sitting in my cubicle in the TA’s offices planning my next lecture when my phone buzzes.

‘What do you want for dinner tonight?’

I open the text and think about what to reply. My sleeping arrangements with Hunter that started a couple weeks ago evolved quickly into including dinner on most days as well. Hunter cooks and we eat at his place. Then he usually comes over to mine around 11PM if it’s a weekday. He slips out quietly in the morning, showers and gets dressed for work before I’m awake. On the weekends, I stay after dinner and through the night.

I’ve been careful not to get physical with him. I always try to stay on my side of the bed, but somehow we frequently end up in each other’s arms in the morning. I swear I’ve felt something hard poking my bum a few times, but I’m never awake before Hunter to confirm whether it’ just my imagination.

When I look up, Larissa, who sits at the desk diagonal from me is giving me an inquisitive look. I realize I’m biting my nails and smiling. I clear my throat and quickly compose myself.

“What’s got you smiling like that?” Larissa insists.

“Do you want to grab a coffee?” I suggest, as a coffee is indeed much needed.

We make our way outside to a small local coffee shop nearby. I order two matcha lattes for us and we make our way to a park nearby. It’s already past 6PM, but the park was still as busy as ever.

“So??” Larissa asks as we sit down on the grass.

“Oh, the text?” I try to play it cool, “It was just my neighbour. He sent me some dumb meme.”

“Oh, just the neighbour you’ve been sleeping with?”

“Ok first of all, I’ve been sleeping in the same bed with him, not sleeping with him. There’s a huge difference, babe.”

“But you want to sleep with him.” Larissa grins.

“I don’t not want to sleep with him…” I try a double negative—an attempt to confuse my dear friend. I’ve wanted to since the first time I saw him.

“Yeah, I still don’t get it. It seems to me like your arrangement is only creating opportunities for sex to happen.”

“No, it’s not like that. He’s like super emotionally unavailable. We’re honestly just friends. We just talk and chill and literally go to sleep. It’s kind of nice, just having someone beside you, you know?”

“Hmm,” Larissa sips on her latte. “Sure. Anyway, do you want to go out later? I want to get drunk and fuck someone.”

I laugh, “down.”

‘Going out tonight, sorry, not sure when I’ll be home.’ I text Hunter. I pause, before adding, ‘Don’t wait up.’

…

By 11:30 PM, Larissa is already drunk and she has indeed found someone to fuck. I remind her to keep her phone on so I can track her on FindMyFriends—just in case. I call an Uber home, and feeling slightly bold from the alcohol, I head straight to Hunter’s apartment. I knock a couple of times. There’s no response, but his light is on.

I knock again, and he finally unlocks the door after a couple more minutes. The door opens, and he is standing there, shirtless and dewy. His hair is wet, presumably from just being washed. His chiseled chest was glistening and his rock hard ab lines seemed somehow even more prominent in the warm evening lighting. I can’t help but stare as I feel a dampness forming in my panties.

“Sorry,” Hunter interrupts, “did you wait long?”

“Um…” I find his eyes again, “no, not really, I was just seeing what you were up to.”

“I’m heading over to pregame with Jake before we go out.”

“Ah,” I’m not sure why I expected Hunter to just be home waiting for me in bed on a Friday night. “Well, have fun.”

“Do you want to join us? I’m sure Jake won’t mind.”

“Yeah, I think that’d be fun.”

“Let me just get dressed.”

“Or not,” I suggest, taking a step towards him to close the space between us. For a brief moment, his gaze drops down to my lips as he bites his own.

TWENTY – HUNTER

“Let me just get dressed,” I say.

“Or not,” Blair takes a step towards me. She looks so gorgeous that its intimidating. She’s only wearing mascara and a light blush. Her natural rosy lips are wet and slightly parted and I catch myself staring at them a little too long. Her ashy brown hair falls down her back in loose effortless waves. She’s wearing a short, tight black dress that has a plunging neckline. I look down, the tips of her breast are almost touching my chest, and I can see that she’s not wearing a bra underneath. She bats her long, dark brown lashes at me and I feel helplessly mesmerized.

Calm down,

I tell myself.

She must be tipsy. She’s the one who made that no sex rule, remember?

“Oh, stop teasing me, Blair.” My face starts feeling hot as I turn away. I retreat into the bedroom to get dressed.

When I’m dressed, I grab two helmets from the hallway closet and toss one to her.

“What’s this for?”

“I’m taking us to Jake’s on my bike.”

Blair’s amused expression widens into a grin and I feel secretly pleased that I’ve somehow impressed her. I’m also pleased that it means she will have to hold me. Our brief, sleepy and unintentional morning encounters are always too short-lived.

“Some of our friends are pretty douchey,” I warn Blair as we head down the stairs to the parking lot.

“Like they don’t respect people who don’t have full-time jobs?”

“Huh? No, like—oh God, Blair, I’m so sorry, is that why you hated me the first time we met? I made some dumb comment about your work didn’t I?” I turn my bike around, get on, and motion for her to get on behind me.

“It’s all good, Hunter.” She punches my shoulder playfully as she climbs on. Her body is hot against my back.

I pause, wanting to explain myself before we head off. “I’m really sorry, I’ve just lived such a mundane life. If I said something ignorant, it wasn’t out of maliciousness.”

Blair wraps her arms around me, “I forgive you, Hunter.” She whispers against my neck before putting her helmet on. Her breath, her words, her body against mine—it all makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, something I haven’t felt in a long time towards anyone. I adjust my side mirror to catch a glimpse of her expression, but all I see is her helmet.

Behind me, Blair screams in excitement as I make our way down Lakeshore Blvd. It’s nearly midnight and there’s no traffic. I go a little faster than I normally would, just for the thrill of feeling her arms tighten around me.

…

“What’s going on buddy?” Jake greets us with a grin. “Oh, hey pretty lady,” he adds, surprised to see Blair.

“Blair’s night out was cut short, hope you don’t mind her joining us,” I say casually.

“Never,” Jakes eyes are all over Blair’s body, “would be a shame to waste such a sexy outfit.”

She giggles and swats his arm playfully. Guess even she isn’t immune to Jake’s charm.

“Come in guys, we’re just gonna have a few drinks and head out.” Jake ushers us in, I tense when I see him put his hands on the small of Blair’s back as she steps inside.

What right do I have to even care.

Cameron and Jessa are also there, along with some friends who work at the same hedge fund as Jake and I. Blair rushes over to greet Jessa in the living room while Jake and I head over to the kitchen island to have some shots.

“So have you made a move yet?” Jake’s gaze is on Blair since we walked in. I don’t blame him.

“Pfft, what, no, we’re just friends honestly. Besides, she doesn’t even want to sleep with me. Trust me, she’s made it pretty clear.” Which is the truth. My gaze can’t seem to leave her either.

Jake gives me a hard squeeze on the shoulder, “dude, for such a good looking guy you’ve got negative game. Girls like being chased, you can’t expect her to come running to you.”

“There have been plenty of opportunities between us, if something were to happen, it would have by now. Go for it, man. You’ve got my blessing.” Now that’s a lie.

Jake shrugs, “alright man, whatever you say.” He pats me on the back as Blair walks over. She squeezes in between us to reach for the bottle of tequila on the counter. I catch Jake checking out her ass as she leans over for the bottle.

“So what are we talking about?” Blair pours a shot each for the three of us and hands us the glasses.

“That Hunter needs a rebound,” Jake smirks.

“To getting Hunter laid tonight,” Blair raises her glass, “cheers!”

And we drink to that.